Parties for your Problems

Before you leave me an angry comment about this topic, please understand that I have attended support groups. I was addicted to support groups and self-help seminars for years. I don't state my opinions about things unless I feel I have the experience to back up my opinions. I am also not bringing this topic up to offend anyone.

I'm just hoping that people will look at things from a different angle.

I used to have a tendency to attract alcoholics into my life. Some of these alcoholics play(ed) a large and important role in my life, so I turned to Al-Anon to help me sort out how to deal with the situations that arose by having these people in my life. Admittedly, I go back once in awhile if I suffer a crisis with an alcoholic loved-one. However, I usually only go once. I don't make a habit of it.

Here's why: although I often learn something new or am reminded that I am not to blame for my loved-ones' condition, I usually have to sit through the same sad stories, complaining, and others feeling very sorry for themselves before I can get to the substance of why I am there. By that time I'm utterly exhausted and end up leaving very sad and often worse than when I came.

I've started to realize that support groups are like "parties for your problems". Almost every human condition has a support group. There are support groups for survivors of cancer, there are support groups for parents with troubled kids, there are support groups for battered women, for addictions etc. I do think that some of these groups are actually not bad - certainly where people are sharing and problem solving. Unfortunately, I've never been to one of those meetings.
If more time was spent on the solution, rather than the problem, I would endorse support groups 100%. That doesn't seem to be the norm, though.

My experience with support groups is that everyone takes a turn telling their story (it rarely changes from week to week, because the story teller hasn't done anything to change the story), and there are tissues and tears, some laughter, and usually one person who dominates the entire evening with their problems without regard to the time limits in place or the fact that others are there for support too.

As I said, I have rarely come away with a solution for my issue, not to mention I've often felt more alone when I've left support groups. That, in it's definition, would be the opposite of feeling supported.

My other problem with support groups is that I am a firm believer in getting more of what you think about. So, by commiserating, complaining, talking more about it, people are actually giving these issues more power. If you've survived cancer, why go to a support group to support cancer? A woman that I have a lot of respect for, and who has had breast cancer resulting in a double mastectomy told a story about her first (and last) time at a breast cancer support group. Essentially, she had the same feelings as I do; why are these people sitting around talking about breast cancer? Why are you letting having had breast cancer define who you are? And lastly she asked out loud "why aren't there any groups for survivors of the swine flu?". She was politely asked not to come to any more meetings. I'm pretty sure that not going to those "support" groups have been more beneficial for her health and well-being than attending them.

The point is this: whatever you are going to get support for happened or is happening to you, Talking about it and giving it more power and momentum by simply focusing on it may not help....it may actually hurt.

I commend anyone who makes a step to look for help, support, guidance. I just ask that you carefully consider what you are getting out of going to these parties for your problems.

I used to go to support groups and self-help seminars for several reasons. One of which is that I used to get something out of commiserating with others. I got to complain and feel sorry for myself. Seeing someone feel compassion for me felt worthy. Sometimes it reinforced that my problems were far less than other people.

But I rarely left feeling better.

I really don't want to be surrounded by sadness, and people who feel sorry for themselves. I want to be around people who are walking, not talking.

Yes, we have to acknowledge our problems before we can do something about it. But do something about it. Stop talking about it. Stop giving your problems a safe haven in your life to thrive. I feel like support groups offer a form of procrastination and are often addicting in themselves. What would you do every Tuesday night at 8 pm if you stopped letting this problem define who you are? I can see how that prospect might frighten some people. It could be easier just to do the same thing and know where you fit in, even if it's not healthy.

Maybe we could change the name of support groups to "alliances", and change the focus to supporting a solution, instead of supporting the problem or wallowing in past experience. Looking forward is the only way you can move forward.

You can let your bad experiences change and affect you but don't ever let them DEFINE you.