10 years. And Lessons Learned.

I'm a huge fan of witnessing the growth of the people I love.

I am not, however, a fan of being in the spotlight.

Yet, 10 years ago, on this very day, I was surrounded by a very select group of people that I love and admire as they witnessed me embark on my biggest emotional journey yet.

I was 29 years old. I thought I knew it all. Nothing left to learn. Looking back on that day, I had no idea just how much I had to learn about myself, my life and love.

Love. 

I'm not sure we will leave this earth and our bodies understanding everything about Love, but I do know that the person that stood up in front of those chosen loved ones with me has taught me more than I could ever know.

10 years ago, I stood beside my friend, Steven, and we stood on the ledge of commitment and took the leap.  Or, shall I say, we buckled ourselves into one of the craziest, sometimes frightening, and most exhilarating roller-coaster ride either one of us has ever encountered.

10 years ago, we were young. We believed we were invincible. We weren't given a handbook about how to handle the ups and downs of the ride we were on. And, you know what? I'm pretty happy no one told us what to expect.

10 years ago, and even as recent as a year ago, I thought I knew myself.

10 years ago, and even as recent as a year ago, I believed that I knew how things should be, how people should behave, how this was going to look. I was convinced that I was in control of our destiny.

Often, I forgot that I had a co-pilot. An often silent, yet very observant, co-pilot.  A very capable co-pilot.

My husband.

My husband has witnessed my trials and errors as a human being, and as a wife. His even personality and sense of direction has kept us pointing in the right direction. His patience and willingness to just be with me have taught me so much.

So, today I reflect on some of those lessons;

Loyalty is a Priceless Gift
I have never met a more loyal person than my husband.
He is loyal to his friends. He'd stop the world for them, if they asked him to.
He is loyal to his family.
He is loyal to me.
I've never had someone be as devoted to me as he has been.
That is a gift.

Score Cards
Don't keep score cards in your marriage.
This is something we are working on in our relationship. We haven't perfected the art of letting past (small) wrongs go. Yet.
But we're working on it.

If I can offer you any marriage advice at all, it would be "Do not keep score".

That's what sports are for.

Love is a (roller coaster) ride
Yep. Love is like a roller coaster. And guess what? It isn't just ONE roller coaster. It's a series of them.

When you first fall in love with someone, you'll do anything. You'll sit in that uncomfortable bucket as the safety bar comes down on you and squishes your lungs. And you'll do it with a smile.
You'll excitedly get moved along in anticipation as the car crawls along the tracks, slowly gaining speed as it chugs up...up...up and then pauses for a moment... before it absolutely takes your breath away as it careens down at lightening speeds, blowing your hair back. Just as you catch your breath, it lures you back into trusting it's predictable measure before turning you upside down ( your hair all amess- and you're now horrified that your new love is seeing you so out of control). It takes you up and down again as you grip the safety bar tightly, while screaming a mixture of fear and delight.
And then, you repeat that cycle over and over again. Sometimes on different rides. Sometimes on the same one.

Occasionally, the view looks the same. Other times it looks unfamiliar.

After awhile, you don't care if your partner sees your hair all messy. (Try not to let this become a habit)

Sometimes the same ride makes you elated, other times it makes you nauseous.

But if you have someone who is prepared to ride the ride with you, it is always worth it in the end.

I'm a Jerk
My husband didn't teach me this. I just figured it out.

I'm a selfish, lost, scared asshole at times.
I'd like to say that he is a selfish, lost, scared asshole. And sometimes he is.
But my jerky days have certainly outnumbered his. Trust me on this.

I admit it.

I'm done being a jerk.

I'm also ready to smile more. And let the little things go.

The Grass is Greenest Where you Water It
It's easy.
If your marriage was a garden, no doubt it would have beautiful flowers, lush bushes and green grass, and it would sometimes grow weeds.

You have to pull the weeds in order to stop the spread of a toxic environment that would eventually choke out all of  your colorful blossoms.

Weeds resemble resentments, promises broken, things left unsaid and other people who don't have your best interest at heart.

Take care of identifying which invaders have pushed their way into your soil, and deal with them accordingly.

It's tempting sometimes to just just give up and  let your grass whither and grapple for oxygen instead of watering it and giving the blades the tender loving care they need.  Sometimes it's intriguing to admire other people's gardens and become envious of their lovely displays. You may not know how much work and love, frustration and time has gone into someone else's garden. Or whether it has hidden thistles hidden between 2 fully blossomed flowers.

Water your own lawn. Tend to your own flowers. Create your own paradise.

The Importance of Bread Crumbs
Lillian Hellman is quoted as saying "People Change and Forget to Tell Eachother".

So true. I see it every day. In families, in friendships, and in marriages.

I believe that regardless of whether or not we are tied into relationships; be it with our spouses, friends, or even our parents and children, we all are on our own journey.

Sometimes we are exploring the world together, and sometimes we go off on our own path for awhile.

Luckily, Steven and I always left "bread crumbs" out for eachother as we explored our own lives, our own demons, our own dreams.

The important thing to remember is that sometimes we walk together, and sometimes we are ahead or behind in our personal growth. But if we tell those we love where we are going, and leave a trail for them to follow, they will usually catch up or circle back to be with us.

You CAN come home again
It's possible to fall in love with your partner over and over again.

If home is that place in your heart where one can go and remember how love felt at the moment when it felt the deepest for you, then yes, you can go back home.

Visit that place often.

Remind yourself daily what home feels like.
And, then, live there.

We live there now. 


The lessons were worth it. Every moment.




Happy Anniversary, Steven. xo

It's "Take this job and shove it" not "Take this job and love it" .....for a reason.

My job/career/work has me spend a lot of time alone in my car. Listening to music between appointments and red lights. Once in awhile, I'll fast forward past songs onto ones that coincide with my current state of mind or mood. But, even when I do, the songs I skip by often evoke a memory, sensation or feeling about an experience or person. (Which, to be very honest is sometimes why they get passed over- but I always revisit them when I'm in the mood)

It got me thinking. There aren't many songs about working.

Before I sat down to write this out, I searched my iTunes catalog for songs with the work "Work" in them. Here are the first 10 that popped up:

1) Chelsea Wolfe - "Our work was good." ~ Pretty darn sure this isn't about work.
2) Mutemath - "Work of Art" ~ This one neither.
3) Black Keys - "Work Me" ~ Absolutely, positively NOT about work.
4) St. Vincent - "Actor out of work" ~ Nope.
5) Steely Dan - "Dirty Work" ~ Nu-uh.
6) Mindil Beach Markets - "Working man blues" ~ Probably about work.
7) Drive-By Truckers - "Working this job" ~ Almost positively yes.
8) Sting - "We work the black steam" ~ Eh....borderline? Pretty sure it's more political than anything.
9) Frank Sinatra - "Nice work if you can get it" ~ Unless holding hands is work; nope.
10) Mick Jagger - "Let's work" ~ Not about work in the conventional sense. World issues/politics, perhaps?

So, out of 10 songs, we have 2* that are about work**. That’s 20%. Yet, we tend to work at least 33% of our day, and most of us are thinking about working, or actually working during part of the other 67%.

When I searched the word "Job", I found one song, and it was instrumental, so who the hell knows what that one is about?  Now, "Money" - that's a whole different ball game. Most songs with "Money" in the title are actually about money. Go figure. We love that, too.

Search "Love", "Mother", "Daughter", "Heart", "Soul", "Father", "Son", "Friend", "Memories", "Holiday", "Sex" and you'll see songs mostly about these topics outnumber the songs that are actually about work AND money. Consistently.

So, tell me this; If most songs are about the feelings that other people influence us to feel, or conjure up memories of good or sad days gone by, why isn't our LIFE? If art imitates life, why isn't our life imitating art ( or, in this case, music)? Most people will agree that music is one of the most influential presence in our lives. All across the planet. Most music speaks to the things we love. And work doesn't seem to be one of them.

YET, we let work devour our time, distract us from our most important relationships ( the ones sung about in the songs we love), and, in some cases, destroy our health (via stress).

If we let our lives imitate the way music makes us remember....I believe we'd all have more fulfilling relationships with others. And, most importantly, ourselves.

I'm not telling you to quit your job and listen to music all day. I'm just asking you to consider how much time you spend working, thinking about work, bitching about work, being on call for work and basically ignoring your loved ones, and ultimately your inner feelings and desires.

Work, if you must, but remember: Everything in moderation.

Except for music. 




* from my library. If your library has a lot of songs about work, we need to talk.
** and, it's possible these songs are about more than work;  frustration, respect ( or lack of), relationships etc.

Scars

About 10 days ago, I was cooking dinner and I burnt my hand. It left a painful welt. I immersed it in cold water and "shook off" the pain, while carrying on with the food preparation.

Over the next few days, the burn scabbed over and was really unsightly. I just left it alone. I had a couple of people grab my hand to have a look and said "Oh wow. Doesn't that hurt?." Again, I brushed it off. I was tough. I mean, it was just a burn.

A few days ago, I realized it wasn't healing properly so I went and applied some antiseptic and a band-aid. Low and behold, it's beginning to heal. I might end up with a scar. At this point, it's hard to tell. I'm just pleased that the darkness of the scab has subsided and the injury is starting to itch, telling me that it's healing.

I was walking down the hall today and I looked down at my hand. I was suddenly struck by the thought of how incredible the human body is. It can heal itself if the proper attention is applied.

Within another 10 steps, I realized that our heart is part of that very human body that heals itself.

I paused to consider the bruises and scars that are on my heart.

I love with vigor. Be it loving friends, family or a significant other. In the beginning, it's almost as if I am going into battle. Like a warrior, nothing will stop me from penetrating another's heart and conquering it.

Looking back on my loves ( all of them, friends and family included) I can see how the "battle" continues long after the conquest and with it comes challenges, which I'll call stab wounds. These stab wounds disguise themselves as lies, betrayal, loss of trust, small hurts, jealousy, competition, insecurity and, sometimes, rejection.

Let me say this; not all relationships leave me bruised and battered. And even the ones that wound me are well worth the effort.

I've noticed, in the last 18 months or so, however, that I've been withdrawing my "troops" and backing off from the battlefield. This is because my heart has been injured. It's been scarred, burned, stabbed, whipped, and even torn from my chest cavity.

It's a horrible feeling to become someone that you don't recognize anymore. It's a horrible feeling to hold back love and generosity and to approach every new relationship with trepidation or indifference.

It's a horrible feeling to not feel.

As I was considering all of this, the elevator door opened. I walked in and pressed "Parking". Before I got to my destination, I had a very important realization.

To survive in life, we need to eat. Just because I burned my hand doesn't mean that I will stop preparing food for myself. I don't have a choice - in order to survive, I must eat. In order to eat, I must cook.

The same can be said for love. In order to survive in life, we need love. We need love from our family (blood or chosen), our friends, and our lovers.

I don't have a choice. In order to survive, I must love.

In order to love, I must bandage my heart and head back out on the battlefield.

Rock n' Rant

If you know me well, you know that I love music.
I bleed music. It's my lifeline.

If you know me well, you know that I am opinionated.
I have strong opinions. These are mine.

I was at my friends' house getting my hair cut on Thursday. Her husband is in a band, and ultimately our conversations turn to music. Music itself, artists and the industry. We talked about how Rock is dead.....a conversation I had 2 more times that day with music lovers and a musician.

I love my friend. But she constantly tries to turn me on to Lady Gaga and most recently Justin Beiber. I understand her argument: Gaga is a classically trained musician and Beiber can play almost any instrument exceptionally well.

That's precisely why I don't like them. They don't do what they are most gifted at. They do what pays them the most. They have taken a look at the music "industry" and crafted a marketing tool to take advantage of consumers. For that, I will give them credit. It's a brilliant business move. However, until they start highlighting their true talent, I will continue to overlook them. Regardless of whatever ridiculous "get up" and stage gimmick Gaga is doing at the time. Regardless of Bieber's nail polish line and self-promoting "documentary" That is my prerogative. I will not judge anyone for enjoying their entertainment. I just have a different point of view.

I've spent endless hours in small pubs with sub-par sound and tiny crowds to support bands I love. I overlook the fact that the bands I love are due to hit the stage at 9 pm on a Sunday night but end up going on at 11:30pm instead, or most recently 12:30 am on a Sunday night. It's important for me to be there. For me, selfishly, because I love the music and often am friends with one or all members of the band. For them, I'm there to be one more person to pay a cover, support them with my attention, cheers and applause.

Most times, recently, there are only 20-30 people in attendance, and often several of them are in the other band(s) playing that night. (Sidenote-if you are the opening band(s) and you leave after your set and don't stay to support the following acts-shame on you. Really)

Every one in a band these days has their own story. I cannot speak for them. All I can discuss is what I see.

Many, if not all, of my musician friends, have other jobs that help them enjoy their musical interests, whether as a serious career or as a hobby. This usually means that they have to set aside time from their jobs, other obligations, friends and family to tour, practice and to perform.

The fact that many of them are so talented is not a surprise to me. What is a surprise to me is the lack of response to their talent, whether it's the record companies, booking agents or fans.

One of my favorite bands is from BC. I first saw them open up for another artist at the Underground in 2007. We were blown away by how tight they were as a band. It was obvious (and still is) that they work their asses off to come together as a band and it appears that there is no one dominant ego. I could be wrong- I don't know the personality dynamics of the band, but they seem to be performing with and for each other. They interact with their fans online and in person at their gigs. I can say with all honesty that I have rarely met a band or musicians that are as humble as these guys are. They have a unique sound, as as much as I hate to "genre-lize" bands, I do have a hard time describing their style of music. Despite it being incredible, it's not "commercial" enough for them to get signed or get radio play. Yet, we are inundated with Beiber, Nickleback, Britney, Gaga, and even washed up boy bands like NKOTBSB <-----what IS that, by the way? I've been most disenchanted when speaking to the bass player of this band and he tells me that they have to write "better" music in order to get signed. By better, he means "commercial" "mainstream" "lacking uniqueness". That sucks because as they are, they are incredible musicians and performers.

Instead of my friends who work tirelessly at improving their talents and staying true to their style getting appropriate recognition, they are met with mediocre publicity for their gigs ( IF a booking agent actually calls them back), lack of enthusiasm by the venues and the supporting/opening bands, lack of attendance by fans, and no radio play.

I invited a couple of friends to the last gig I was at. Both of them appreciate music the way that I do. My friend Owen leaned over during the set and said "This isn't my type of music, but these guys are incredible entertainers. They shouldn't be playing in a basement, they should be playing at the Republik and charging $25 a ticket". Yup. Instead, they got to share their portion of the collective cover charge of $10/head with 2 other bands. I hope they didn't spend that all in one place.

The other thing that drives me bonkers is the fact that many bands don't have anything to sell at their gigs. And if they do, they price their CDs ( which is their intellectual property ) cheaper than t-shirts. Stop doing that!

My mom has asked me "What is it with all this music stuff you post on Facebook?". My reply was simple. "I have talented friends. I love music. I love my friends. I want them to succeed. Therefore I want everyone to know about them." The end.

So, what do I want? Besides the band that I saw on Thursday (and all talented musicians) get the recognition they deserve ( i.e. Radio play as they are, record sales and even a record deal and proper promotion) I want all of my talented friends to succeed. This can only happen if we support these individuals and bands. How can we do that? Here are a few ideas:

Fans:

- Stop stealing music. Buck up and pay the $10 an album. In fact, buy a copy for a friend you think might enjoy it. You accomplish 3 things this way: support the band ( I know, I know....they get about .000005c per every 99c download, but whatever), get them a new fan, feel the joy of giving.

-Go see live shows. Attend concerts, festivals, living rooms. Listen to these people. And bring at least 1 friend - spring for their cover while you're at it.

-Visit the merch table. Have one less overpriced beer and buy one more underpriced CD. Or t-shirt. Or panties. I don't care. Give these people your money. They've driven from somewhere (while sometimes eating Kraft Dinner and sleeping in their vans) to entertain you and this stuff costs them money. It's really inexpensive to you. Embarrassingly so.

-Talk about them. If you can't go to a gig, tell someone who can. Share the art. You never know who is going to like the music and who isn't.

-Stop complaining that concert tickets are too expensive. Start seeking out smaller venues and lesser known artists. Some of the best venues I've been to are churches and bingo halls. You won't see me at the Saddledome again. (Except for Roger Waters. Or David Gilmour. Or both)


Venues:

-When a band calls you wanting to book a show at your venue, CALL THEM BACK. They are not only trying to get exposure, they are going to make you money. Remember math?

-If you book a band, promote them. If you can't see through to doing for the good of the band(s), be selfish, do it for your own benefit. Why do something half-assed? Posters are always taken by real fans, and guess what? The posters have your venue name on them. People who go to rock shows drink alcohol and order food. Why would you pay your servers to work at a gig if you aren't promoting the gig to even just cover your costs. May I introduce you to....math?

-Pay the bands. Don't make them track you down after a show to get their $30 dollars. That's humiliating. And you get a bad reputation. A bad reputation = less money in your pocket. MATH!


Bands:

- Interact with your fans through social media and when they show up for a gig, talk to them. People want to feel a part of something. Their loyalty to you because you treated them with respect = free advertising. FREE!

-Bring merch. Chances are your true fans have everything you are selling, but the friend(s) they brought to the show don't. If they leave without having the opportunity to take your music or a shirt with them, they might forget your name tomorrow. And for f*ck sake, start pricing your CDs higher than a t-shirt. Give them value. By pricing them lower than a garment, you debase the value of your art.

-Keep your website up to date. A real fan will check back a few times and give up but someone who doesn't know you won't come back if you don't have current news/info and music on your site.

-Register your music with your national music copyright service. PROTECT what you have created and own.

I have so much more to say, and I'm sure I will but, in the meantime, please check out my real life, wonderful, extremely talented friends/pals who happen to be musicians:

- Jeff Brodnax - Website, Facebook

- Jon Davidson - Website, Facebook

- Early on Sunday - Website, Facebook

- Cold Driven - Website, Facebook

- Youth Season - Facebook

- Russell Stafford - Myspace

- Train Bigger Monkeys - Website, Facebook

- Tyler Summers - Website

- Top Soil - Facebook

- Chris Angel - Website, Facebook

- Dan Whitley - Myspace

Thirty Seven

I have been alive for 37 years today. I love my life. I appreciate getting older.

No, I'm not naive. I know that I am starting to look my age, but that doesn't matter to me as much as I'm realizing that I am finally growing into my own skin. I am always learning. It can be painful at times, but growing is painful. I don't think it ever stops. At least not for me.

I had a wonderful birthday today. I spent it doing things I enjoy with people that I love and respect.

On my way home, I reflected on some of the biggest lessons I have learned, in my life, thus far. I think many of my lessons have come by way of trial and error. Many of them were taught to me years ago, but I was only really ready to learn them in the past couple of years.

I remember a couple of lessons learned at a very young age. When I was 3 or 4 I learned that it isn't wise to put your open palm on a hot stove element. I can still smell the apricot ointment my mother lathered my hand with after that once in a life time lesson. I was 7 or 8 when my father taught me that scraping the food off my fork with my teeth was not ladylike. I thought he was being mean to me at the time. Now I am grateful for that lesson. Although important survival and social lessons, I have learned and implemented so many more equally important lessons into my life.

I think my priorities and realizations will change many times over the years, but at the moment, these are the 37 life lessons that I have learned and/or are working on.

My life is a work in progress.

Here is what I know, in no particular order:

37. I get what I focus and talk about. With complaints come more things to complain about. With appreciations come more things to appreciate. It's the easiest equation.

36. Never take anything another person does personally. Ever.

35. I will never hang my vision of self esteem or self worth on how a man treats me. Ever.

34. It's okay to love someone (friend, family member or lover) wholeheartedly, without ripping out my heart out of my chest and handing it to them.

33. It's okay for someone to love me wholeheartedly without ripping their heart out of their chest and handing it to me.

32. When someone gives me a compliment, it's okay to look them in the eye and say "Thank you". In fact, it's downright rude not to accept their compliment as anything but.

31. A phone call is ALWAYS better than a text message, facebook message or email.

30. A face to face meeting is ALWAYS better than a phone call.

29. I always have the appropriate people and circumstances in my life at any given time. Even the difficult ones.

28. It's okay to end friendships.

27. I am incredibly resilient. Even though I often dread change, I embrace it and excel.

26. Music is a life line to me. It's one of the most important elements to my existence and well being.

25. It's so much easier to take a moment to lift someone up than it is to focus energy on trying to bring them down.

24. People don't often "hear" me. I often feel invisible. I take full responsibility for this.

23. Social media has not improved my life. At all.

22. I am less sentimental than I used to be. However, I'm sentimental about how sentimental I used to be. ;)

21. Every one is a mirror for me to look into and see something in myself.

20. My boundaries have changed. I am asserting my boundaries. Not everyone will respect my boundaries. I need to release them from my life with love.

19. In judging others, I judge myself.

18. I am my own worst enemy. No one else could be harder on me than I am on myself.

17. Fights with loved ones are never about what we are actually fighting about. The incident that started the fight is simply the "hook" for a past hurt that needs healing.

16. I have a difficult time relating to people who make money or possessions a priority. People are far more valuable than any object or bank account balance.

15. I am very sensitive to other people's energy. I do my best to be aware of how my actions and energy affects others.

14. I am "black & white". My conviction comes from passion, but I could stand to learn to change my delivery.

13. Not everyone deserves my trust.

12. I don't require a lot of recognition from outside sources. I have a pretty good self-esteem. This took a lot of work and I'm proud of where I am in this regard.

11. I tend to neglect the people I love the most. They tend to make the most effort. This needs to change and become more balanced.

10. Saying "Thank you" is one of the best things you can say to someone. Asking them a question about themselves is also magical.

9. I tend to look for the best in everyone. I want everyone to have their best life.

8. Sleep is incredibly good for me.

7. I sleep well and with ease because I live my life in a way that makes me proud.

6. I put a lot of stock into what people say. I expect people to be congruent with their values and statements. When they are not, I am easily confused and disheartened.

5. Forgiveness is hard for me, but a necessary skill for me to perfect so that I can continue to grow.

4. Excuses are just another way of saying "no". It's important to be honest instead of making excuses. With myself and with others. I expect people to be honest with me.

3. I want fewer things in my life and more laughing and love.

2. I'm inflexible about the unimportant things and flexible about the important things. Often to my own detriment.

1. My life is beautiful as it is. My life was beautiful as it was. My life will be beautiful as it will be.

Bring your "A" game

This month has been full of stress for me. Many of my most important relationships have come into question and I've had to sit back and re-evaluate what I want from these relationships versus what I am actually getting and I've been looking at my role in the successes or failures of these alliances.

I think it's easy to blame others when things don't go our way. It's easy to make a list of what you don't like about the other person or the situation. It pushes the accountability away from ourselves and projects it onto others. Piece of cake!

But....it doesn't taste good. After awhile, that "cake" sits in our gut and rots, reminding us that we might have missed an important ingredient: Our own contribution.

Lately, I've had a major stomach ache. Something just hasn't been sitting right. I'm uncomfortable.

I'm uncomfortable because something has to change. And change sometimes hurts.

I have more than a few friendships that I've been looking at. I mean, REALLY looking at.

Lately I've been feeling overlooked and used. Overlooked in the practical sense, but also by not being heard. Used in the literal sense and also by being used as amusement and to fill up the vessels of insecurities that some of my friends have. I'm not insecure, but I don't have enough confidence to give away, either.

I've been sitting back and watching some pretty bad behavior.

People acting like children at my expense.

Or, so I thought.

I realize it is at their own expense.

You see, when we misbehave or act out of alignment, others notice. Because so many of my relationships have 2 sides; real life and/or internet friendships, my senses have heightened. Because I can't be in the presence of some of the people I care about, I have to rely on my interpretation of what they say and do online. And I have to say, I'm kind of disappointed in what I've read and seen lately.

It's made me think about the kind of relationships I want to have. And I realized that I want authentic, honest, and mutually respectful relationships. Enough with the cryptic, demanding or controlling behavior. Enough with the guessing games. Enough with the bullshit.

In real life, I wouldn't put up with a fraction of what I have put up with online. I do think that many people opt for a strictly online friendship because they can't get real. Hiding behind a computer is still hiding. It doesn't, however, cover up one's blatant insecurities. And in real life, you can communicate honestly with words, body language and eye contact. It's hard to be deceived, unless one wants to be. Admittedly, I have wanted to believe something different about certain people who, in the end, have disappointed me. In real life and online.

So, I've said what I need to say to a few people. And they heard what they wanted to hear. I realize that my needs and requests will mostly go ignored. I've heard plenty of excuses about why they do and say the things they do, and I'm a no excuse kinda gal. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

I do expect people to validate my concerns and not make excuses. I have noticed, in my life and as of late, that when I tell people what I need from them, or share my insecurities, I end up comforting them instead of being certain we've met on the same emotional and mature level. It's very disappointing. But, what can you do?

I put value on my relationships. Mostly because I care, and also because at the point of me being invested I've shared confidences with people. My friends are my keepers.

Until they are not.

One of my flaws is that I am stubborn and once I've made up my mind about someone, it takes a lot for me to change my mind. I'm working on that, but in the meantime I have to honor myself and ask of others what I expect. I cannot go on placating to others needs if they blatantly ignore my very basic requests.

A good friend of mine sent me an email and in it she said "...It’s your belief in others. That you give them the chance to step up and play their A game, even if they don’t, the fact that you still have faith in others to do so, is something to celebrate"

I want people to change. I want them to be and act differently. Because I can see how much brighter they would shine and how much deeper our friendships could be.

Much like myself, I don't think they're capable. People are going to do what they want or are programmed to do.

I've pulled out my owner's manual and realized that I was programmed to put myself 2nd.

My owner's manual also tells me how to rewire my programming. I'm currently on the chapter called

"You are worth the weight of your feelings and needs. Don't settle for anything less."

::pulls the plug::

Alvin

Tonight I stopped at the gas station to pick up some pop. I waited in line while the gentleman behind the cash machine performed transactions with 3 people in front of me, I noticed that they just plopped their goods on the counter, waited for him to calculate the total, passed over their money, got their change, and walked away.

I decided to chat the guy up. His name was Alvin. He was so pleasant to me, even after being merely ignored by everyone else that he had served before me.

I asked if he'd grown up here - he looked familiar, actually - "No" he said "I'm from the Philippines"

"How long have you been in Canada, Alvin?", I asked.

"2 and a half years now. I applied to move to Australia, Canada and the U.S. Canada was the first country to accept me."

He went on to tell me how safe he felt here, and that he appreciated that if he did get in trouble, he could call 9-1-1 and someone would help him. He said he was glad he didn't live in the middle east - It wasn't safe there.

I learned that his wife and children were still in the Philippines.

It occurred to me that he wouldn't be tucking his children in tonight, or kissing his wife before rolling over and going to sleep. He must be lonely. His family must miss him terribly. They have each other, at least. He has no one that he can hug tenderly at night.

He moved to Canada to create a better life for his family. It's ironic that foreigners have to leave their families in order to improve their lives.

I thanked him for his time and went to my car. I got in and put my seatbelt on. I had to take several deep breaths to prevent me from crying. I felt so damn sad in that moment. Then I got mad.

I'm mad that so many of the people I know bitch about the little things in their lives. They go home and complain to their spouse or their parents. They go and take their bad mood out on their innocent children. At least they can hug their children and say "I'm sorry". At least they can hug their spouse and say "I love you."

Alvin can't do that right now. One day, if he's lucky. But not now. And still he smiles and doesn't complain.

It also brings me back to the current situation in Japan. With that frightening and heartbreaking disaster occurring there, we have no basis for complaining that our PVR didn't tape our favorite show, or that the pizza delivery guy forgot to give us napkins. We waste food, we waste time, we waste away. It's so sad that so many of us waste our lives being ungrateful and unmotivated.

I'm going to go talk to Alvin more often. I think he has a lot of valuable things to share with and teach me.

Happy "Prove your love to me" Day!

I remember when Valentines day was fun. Our teacher would send home a list of everyone boy and girl in our class, so that come Valentine's day no one would be left out of a getting a card. Occasionally, a few people would get more than others, but rarely did one person get excluded entirely. I think that was in grade 3.

Things have changed.

Now, it's more common than not for people to be excluded and feel lonely on this ridiculous made up "Hallmark" holiday.

I'm not writing this because I'm single and just generally have a hate-on for Valentine's day. That's because I'm married. I'm writing this because there are a bunch of women out there that need a wake up call.

I'm not writing this to tell you to stop celebrating your Hallmark holiday. I'm just wanting people to think about it a bit.

Yes, I know there are men out there that love Valentines day as much as the women. Come on guys, put up your hands!

*crickets*

Look, celebrate your love for eachother on Valentine's day.

Let me repeat that.

Celebrate.Your.Love.For.Eachother.On.Valentine's.Day.

Notice I didn't say "Prove your love for eachother on Valentine's day"?

Let's pull out the key words : Celebrate. Love. Eachother.

Yes, people, in case things have changed, love is a 2 way street.

Expecting your man to make you breakfast in bed, call you 16 times, Send you a dozen perfect roses from the most expensive florist in town - at the precisely perfect time so you can rub it in your co-workers face, take you for an expensive lunch, pick you up from work wearing a heart endorned scarf to take you for dinner at a 5 star restaurant only to come home to a flower petal trail to a hot bubble bath and 3 hours of lovemaking, and then pulling a hissy fit if he doesn't celebrate Valentine's day or PROVE HIS LOVE to you, to your exact specifications, isn't love.

Oops. I forgot the giant card that he rushed out to buy at 11 o'clock on Sunday night so that he'd avoid the wrath of you.

Putting men in a position to fail isn't love.

Men are different than us romantic, sentimental creatures. Some men are natural romantics. Some aren't. Stop forcing the issue.

I don't want my partner to hand me a valentine's gift with that "deer in the headlights" aka "Did I buy the right thing, Oh my god, please don't melt down on me" look in his eyes.

I want my partner to love me everyday. He doesn't have to buy me a tacky heart shaped pendant with diamond dust sprinkled all around it from Kay's Jewelers to prove it. I don't expect him to spend 3x on flowers for one day when the next he could spend what those flowers are worth.

The only thing I expect him to spend is his time. Not just on Valentine's day. Every day.

Stop specifying how love looks. It's one day! Grow up!

And while I'm on the subject, to you women that throw a hissy fit about the engagement ring your future spouse has presented you with : Smarten up.

You don't like the ring he gave you? Here's a newsflash : If he bought it for you without pissing his shorts in fear, and asked you to marry him without passing out in fear, I'd say that's a pretty big accomplishment. Oh, and what did you buy him? Was it worth 2 months of salary?

I heard about a woman who hated her engagement ring so much that she threw it out of a moving vehicle.

What you do with the love you're given says a lot about you.

Stop dictating how you think love looks. Love looks the way your partner is capable of showing you. Let's stop scaring the crap out of our lovers, shall we?

Be grateful.

Meet me in the Middle

I've always gone out of my way for people. I was a pleaser as a child and brought that into adulthood with me. I'm less of a pleaser now, although I'm still compelled to help my friends out, or accommodate a client to ensure they are satisfied with my service. But, more and more, I am becoming less satisfied. Less pleased.

I looked at my odometer the other day and was astonished at how many miles I've put on my car this year. I use my car for work, so it's not entirely a surprise, but I got to thinking tonight about the last time a friend came to visit me. I'm always out and about and tend to make things easy for people by driving across the city to see them. I make things easy for my clients by making sure they are most comfortable when we are meeting. I don't want to inconvenience anyone.

I've been in a very happy place lately and I've noticed that as a result I'm feeling a bit smothered lately. Or rather, grabbed at, if that makes sense. I feel like some people see me opening up and are wanting some of whatever they see glowing out of me. The natural response for me in that situation is to retreat. And that is what I feel I am doing.

No, I'm not depressed. No, I'm not being a hermit. I just have decided that if my friends want me to continue to go out of my way for them, I'm going to need them to meet me in the middle. Literally and figuratively.

I know it's not proper to give with the expectation of getting back, but I'm there. My emotional bank is full but I've restricted who gets to make withdrawals. There seems to be a discrepancy amongst the checks and balances. And because I've been letting everyone take out the same amount, I haven't been depositing the proper amounts into the emotional banks of the people most deserving of my time, love, and generosity. I'm not going to stop giving or being me, because I can't help that. But I am very aware of who is abusing my good nature.

I had a friend call upon me the other night. He never asks for help and I was more than happy to assist him. Then he apologized for imposing upon me. For one thing, he could ask me for help every day for the rest of his life and I would help him. Because I know he would do the same for me.

Here's the thing: The friends that I help or cater to the most, don't seem to appreciate it. And they are the ones who expect the most from me.

Remember that old saying "You teach people how to treat you"?

Well, I'm about to change up the curriculum.

Patterns

Awhile ago, I updated my facebook with this:

"Some people's patterns are like the fabrics that make up Don Cherry's suits : Obvious and screaming "Look at me! I'm making a statement!". You may not like what's being said, but even if you turn down the volume, that fabric is still staring you in the face".

I typically get a lot of comments on my facebook statuses and that one was pretty much ignored. I suspect because people didn't understand my point. I do have a lot of American friends, and Don Cherry is a Canadian icon, so I can understand the Yankees not getting it, but I also think it's a bit ambiguous or simply doesn't make sense. So, let me explain....

If you were born in Canada, and if you have a pulse, chances are that when you were young you were introduced to "Hockey Night In Canada", our weekly Saturday night fill of NHL Hockey. It's been a Canadian institution and has been for, what seems like, forever. Don Cherry's "Coach's Corner" is a staple of that broadcast. Between the 1st and 2nd periods, Don and his right hand man, Ron Maclean, discuss hockey. Or, rather, Don basically shares his very sharp and one sided opinion about what is going on in hockey. All the while, wearing the most outrageous custom made suits. Some people love Don and his outspoken opinions, other people dislike him. People that like him ( like me) stop what they are doing and watch/listen to Don for that brief time. Others mute his segment. His outspoken personality is predictable (although not always what he says) and his suits are always outrageous (even though they are never the same).

Here's the thing; People can mute his segment, but even if they catch it for a second and change the channel they usually catch a glimpse of Don's very loud suits. They make their own statement. You can try to ignore them, but week after week, there they are: demanding to be noticed.

What does this have to do with people's patterns?

When you get to know someone quite well, or have the pleasure/displeasure of associating with them often, you pick up on their patterns. Perhaps they are always late. Maybe they embellish details every time they tell a story. Some people have addictive personalities and predictable patterns of abuse/remorse/manipulation. Others are incongruent with what they say vs. what they do. Either way, we all have patterns.

Those of us who recognize the patterns in others, yet allow them to continue also have a pattern of allowing that to happen against our better judgment.

I'm a big observer of patterns. I have mine memorized. I often don't recognize them until I'm in full on "pattern" mode, but I do see them. When others see them, and point out my flaws, I'm grateful. I try to take that input and adjust my patterns accordingly, if it's for the better (which it usually is).

I see them in others all the time too. And I file them away in my memory bank for future reference.

Lately I have been withdrawing those references and putting them together like a puzzle - or if we are still using the Don Cherry example - like a suit.

I take the recurring behavior that I see in someone and lay it out on the table. I piece it together with other indications of the same behavior from that person and piece by piece, the entire fabric of the situation starts to show me the entire picture, or suit, if you will.

Sometimes it's a beautiful suit and it fits me. It's made of beautiful fabric, has a nice texture, and is incredibly comfortable. There might be a few loose buttons or a snag here or there, but those flaws never ruin the integrity of the suit. In many cases, they add character.

Other times, I find that the suit doesn't quite fit. It may have, at one point. Or, I may simply have been in denial mode. (We all have a pair of jeans sitting in the closet that we are saving for a time when we were the size we used to be) Let's face it, sometimes I've grown and I've changed and those jeans or that suit just don't fit me the same way. Maybe the fabric is outdated. Perhaps the zipper is broken. Or, it could just be that the fabric is plain old ugly and I'm not even sure what compelled me to add that garment to my closet.

Lately, I've been cleaning out my closet. For some garments ( people ) I have simply shuffled them around the closet to the "less often worn" section, and other pieces have been entirely removed. Some outfits need some extra TLC and they are put aside for further care and mending. And, yes, some are put in the "When I change back to who I was" pile.

Here's the deal. I'm not going to change back to who I was. It's impossible. I'm on a fast-paced journey at the moment. And my new fabric is bright, light and comfortable. The items in the "when I change back..." pile are usually tight and constricting and often give me "muffin top".

The people in my life who are incongruent in their behavior, or the ones who aren't ready to get real and update their fabric are going to be left behind. And they will likely be paired up with separates, in someone else's closet, that compliment them. And that's okay.

If you are in my life, I'm watching you. Mostly because I love you, and I love having you in my life. I love watching human behavior in action.

I'm not judging, I'm just noticing.

And just as I know I'm not fooling you, or hiding my patterns from you, I can't be fooled either.

Being Grateful Every Day

Today was one of those days that for every 3 things that happened good, 1 not so good thing happened. It's so easy to stay stuck on the not so good stuff - it seems to be human nature. I think for me when not so good things happen they really sting, and believe it or not, I'm fairly sensitive. I really take things to heart. For some reason, I often let these things overshadow the good, and I've decided that I am no longer prepared to do that.

So, each night before bed I will journal and record the things I'm grateful for. Tonight I share with you because I believe that the goodness of others should be recognized and shared, no matter how small their contribution to my gratefulness.

This morning, I took my car in to the body shop to get repaired ( a woman had hit my car, and instead of driving away, she took responsibility so for that I have been grateful) and the rental car company was already at the shop waiting to take me and a gentleman to the rental agency. The gentleman sat in the back and allowed me to have the front seat. He was very friendly and it was obvious he was kind. He laughed often during our very short commute. When we got to the rental agency, I insisted he go first as he was technically before me. We were both served very quickly and the girl at the counter said "I'm sorry we don't have anything as nice as what you are both driving. I only have these 2 cars available - a Ford Fusion and a Dodge Charger. Who wants what?". I cringed inside when I heard about the Charger. It's an entirely inappropriate car for me to drive in my profession. (I guess I could be grateful it wasn't a PT Cruiser). However, my parents taught me about being polite and being fair, so I insisted again that he choose. He insisted that I choose first. So, I took him up on it. "Are you sure?" I asked. "Absolutely" he said. I then explained that the Fusion would be a more appropriate car for me to drive this week, and it was settled. He grinned and when I triple checked that choice was okay with him, he assured me with his words, his smile and his eyes. He wasn't lying.

So, today I am grateful that there are gentlemen in the world. They may be a dying breed, but they exist. I met one today. Aside from being a gentleman, he was a sincere, happy human being. I'm grateful for that too.

I carried on my day and was next served by a very helpful receptionist at a management company. This NEVER happens, so I am doubly grateful for that experience.

I'm also incredibly grateful for the friend I leaned on today. I am very choosy with whom I share my deepest worries and fears, and today I needed help. My friend was there for me. He was straight up and unbiased. Not many people are brave enough to be that way with me. I really appreciate his outlook on my situation. Moreover, I appreciate his friendship. I hope he knows this.

I am appreciative that the traffic was light on my long drive across town to see a client, and then to my friend's home.

I am glad and grateful that their home is always so peaceful, at least when I am there. I feel safe and welcome.

I'm grateful that the clients I met with this evening after my long drives came and met me in the lobby of their building instead of just buzzing me in.

I'm grateful to be typing this right now while listening to my favorite music.

I can't even recall the not so good things that happened today.

Oh, I almost forgot! One of my colleagues told me he thought I was still in my 20's. I'm 36. It's safe for you to assume that I'm grateful for that compliment today too.

It was a great day.

If you were part of my day in any way, I appreciate you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

My Music List -2010

Everyone has a Top Ten list of the best albums out, which actually was deterring me from posting one of my own. I was also aggravated and a bit intimidated by the lists that almost seemed like they were created by music intellects that were trying to one-up the general public by showcasing the fact that they have heard bands no one else has. I'm not into showing off or proving I know more than anyone else about music. However, as I am one to always have an opinion and I feel that there is some amazing music out there that needs to be heard, I'm here to share my take on all things great and music, in my life, in 2010.

I am not in the music industry, so to speak, so I won't preach to you about the BEST albums, because quite frankly I don't feel I'm professionally qualified to do so. I do, however, have an ear for music and happily share what I like with others. I actually don't decide what music I like; my ears, heart and soul do. So without further ado, these are the albums that got the most love from me and my speakers this year:

Eminem - Recovery

I've always been a fan of Eminem the artist and Marshall the person, so I was anxiously awaiting this album and it did not disappoint. I appreciate his journey and even how emotionally charged all of his albums have been. The fact that is and has been sober for some time, only adds to the depth of this album and his experience, in my opinion. I didn't even mind the collaborations with overplayed singers like Rhianna and P!nk. Those songs included, this whole album is awesome from start to finish. Do yourself a favor and do some research of your own on Eminem/Marshall Mathers. He is intelligent & talented beyond measure.

The National - High Violet

It seems this album is on everyone's list, and deservedly so. This entire effort got constant play on my list since it's addition to my library. It actually made me feel like a deep red wine, nicely aged with a pleasant aftertaste (forgive me, but music often heightens all of my senses and I think in pictures, taste and smells). This album just jumped inside me and made it impossible for me to turn off. I do have to be in a certain mood to listen to the whole thing in it's entirety-especially the most played song "Sorrow". It's a bit darker and richer than a lot of albums out there, and deserves ones full attention when listening.

The Coppertone - Hidden Dreams

"Holy f*ck" is all I can say about this album. My friend Ira, at ExploreMusic messaged me and said "You have to buy this album. Now". I'm so glad I listened to him. I haven't stopped listening to this album since I bought it. My only regret is finding out about it in December, when in fact it was released in the early summer months of this year. I think my recommendation of the album on a music blog I write for said it best for me "I'm so excited about this album that I really want it to speak for itself, but I'm curious to know if lead Amanda Zelina's dirty rock blues voice pulls you in and takes you to the misty forests of the deep south with swamps and canopied trees surrounded by fog. That's what this entire album does to my soul. It's raw and rich". This is my favorite album of the year. Hands down.

Sharon Jones & The Dap Kings - I Learned the Hard Way

Perhaps an unusual addition to anyone's list, but my love of Sharon Jones made it almost a given that anything she and the Dap-Kings released this year would be on my favorites list. They have managed to create/carry on the authentic sounds of the funk/soul of the 60s/70s, by using analogue equipment and instruments from the time period of the 60s/70s. It's just a fun album-I would actually recommend anything on the Daptone label if this type of music is up your alley.

Massive Attack - Heliogoland

I've been listening to Massive Attack since the early 90's and was actually skeptical that they could endure and excite this long. To say I was pleasantly surprised is an understatement. Every time I listen to this album I hear something new in it. It continues to captivate and please my eardrums.

Editors - In this Light and On this Evening

Different and dark at times, this album was in heavy rotation for me this year. I've enjoyed all of their albums and this album is consistently "Editors" while adding a more electronic sound, which I feel differentiates them from the masses, particularly in a year where so many similar sounding bands had releases. The title song is the most loved in my collection from this band.

Melissa Auf Der Maur - Out of our Minds

Yes, I have a girl crush on Melissa, so in my eyes she can do no wrong, but this album which showcases her unique voice and amazing guitar and bass skills. A fellow Canadian, she was a member of Hole for 6 years and a joined the Smashing Pumpkins for their farewell tour. Anyway, she's hot, and so is this album. Heavy on the guitar....Two thumbs up from me.

Honorable mentions:

John Butler Trio-"April Uprising", Grace Potter & The Nocturnals - "Grace Potter & The Nocturnals", David Gray - "Foundling". Of course, I could not consider myself a true Metallica fan if I didn't include "Live at Grimey's" which I've only heard on mp3 but am anxiously awaiting my limited edition clear vinyl 2 album set which is enroute as I type this!

I must admit, there were some albums that I just didn't get this year. Lots of hype and equal amounts of disappointment. I sometimes think that people think an album is good because they are told it is. I really can't think of any other explanation. In any event, I refrained from listing the albums I thought were highly over rated because I recognize that we all have different taste in music. That's what makes life, music and human beings so darn interesting.

Happy New Year.

All I want for Christmas

I'm pretty sure I'm allergic to "stuff". I'm serious.

It's gotten so bad that I shudder and nearly break out in hives when my esthetician will offer to give me something as simple as the nail file that was barely used for my nail service, merely because I simply do not want another thing in my possession.

Which leads me to this whole Christmas thing. I'm a generous person by nature, and anyone who knows me well understands that I like to do things that are my idea...not because I am expected to. That is why I have a hate/hate relationships with all Hallmark holidays. I'm not religious, so Christmas is just another consumer/Hallmark holiday for me.

I'm not trying to take away from the joy that giving and receiving brings each and every one of us. I just do not get any joy in things.

When I grew up, we weren't really wealthy and Christmas, Birthdays and other important events were fun because my mom and dad would each get me one very nice gift and some other essentials. I don't remember ever demanding gifts or expecting them. I appreciated everything I was given. And I loved to give. I still do.

As an adult, I've managed to accumulate a bunch of stuff. Piles and piles of useless stuff. When I look at it all, I imagine it would make incredible kindling. It's absolutely meaningless to me. The only thing it represents is all the hard work I've done and the time I've spent working, in the past 16 years....often at the peril of my personal relationships.

My husband and I were talking and both agree that some of our happiest days together were when we were dirt poor. We had no other choice than to snuggle up on our (only) couch and watch our crappy 19" TV. We struggled financially for a few years and then became financially successful. And then we filled our house with crap.

I imagine what it would be like not to have the burden of all of this stuff. I imagine it would be incredibly liberating. In fact, I have been purging our things and it feels tremendous. Next year for me will be the year of cleansing. Less things, More people.

Back to Christmas. As I mentioned, I am not religious. I used to attend church on Christmas Eve with my grandparents or the Italian friends I grew up with....mostly because I enjoy singing and the company of my family and friends. That tradition passed when my grandparents did, and when my friend Luke got married. I cherish those times together. Notice there is nothing tangible in that experience other than perhaps a hug shared between loved ones.

Because I'm not religious, and because I don't worship possessions any more, Christmas holds a different meaning. I'm sorry if I appear jaded, but I just really don't want to participate in the exchange of things any more. They hold no meaning to me when they are given to me, and unless they are heartfelt and thought out, they hold no meaning when they are given by me. I'm sorry, but that's the truth. I also think it's sad that people go into debt at this time to the year to prove they love someone, or worse, because they are expected to give a gift to someone for whatever reason.

However, in trying to keep the true spirit of the season, I've thought about what I want for Christmas, and have come up with this list. If you must do something for me this Christmas, please consider the following;

- Shut off your computer & your cell phone and sit down with someone you love, look in their eyes and really listen to them. 5 minutes. That's all I ask.

- When at the drive thru at Tim Horton's or Starbucks, pay for the coffee of the person behind you. It's a small price to pay to make someone feel special. You don't know what kind of day or life they are having...that could be a game changer for them.

- Go visit your grandparents. If they aren't alive, go visit someone else's grandparents. Ask them lots of questions. Write their answers down. One day those words on a page will be all you have of them, but that one hour of your undivided attention and your genuine interest in them will mean the world.

- Make dinner for your parents. Sit at the dinner table. Talk. Laugh. THANK them for being your parents.

- Read your child, or someone else's, a story. Hug them. Ask them about your day. Look them in the eye. They are watching you. Make a good example.

- Volunteer your time. Offer your services through Big Brothers/Sisters, go serve a meal at the homeless shelter, become a mentor, shovel your elderly neighbor's walk.

- Write someone a letter. On paper. With a pen. Address the envelope by hand. Put a stamp on it. Mail it.

-Instead of texting someone, pick up the phone and call them. Sometimes people just need to hear your voice.

- Be kind. Be humble. Be generous with your time.

That is all I want for Christmas.

Winter Ranter

I live in Western Canada.

We have 4 seasons here: Spring, Summer, Fall and WINTER.

I've lived here all my life.

And guess what?! We get winter EVERY YEAR. I honestly can't remember a year that winter didn't come and stay for 4-5 months.

So, I ask my fellow Canadians; Why are you so surprised that it's a bit chilly out at this time of year? Were you born last night? I suspect not.

There was a western conference final today in our city for the CFL ( for those of you below the 49th parallel, that stands for Canadian Football League - which I actually prefer over the NFL but that's a different subject) Anyway, people were selling their tickets today because it was "too cold". Here's a newsflash: -15c is NOT too cold. It's just cold. Stop whining.

Talking about the weather is such a boring subject. Mostly because no matter how much you bitch and moan about it, it's not going to change. Winter is the "Monday" of seasons in Canada.

That said, let's stop bitching about Monday too.

Lovely

I woke up this morning, looked outside into the snowy street, made my way downstairs to feed the cats and grab a cup of tea. I opened up my twitter and saw a few really beautiful messages referencing me as well as one from a friend who was checking in. My heart warmed. I then opened my facebook and found an unexpected message from a friend I've recently reconnected with. Her message was in perfect timing with what I needed. My heart warmed some more. Then onto email where I found yet another message from my surrogate dad - "Pops", I call him. All the loving thoughts I received this morning were enough to make my heart explode with happiness.

I think about others all the time. I don't always tell them. I should.

What surprised me is that I don't think others think about me very often. Today proved me wrong. So, I want to thank all of the people who think of me and tell me. I also want to thank those people who think of me and don't tell me.

Today I walked around in the hug of your thoughts. Thank you for keeping me warm.

Short & Sweet

I'm overtired and a bit grumpy. So, what better time than to figure out what I'm grateful for?

Today I'm grateful for the following;

-The beauty of the first snowfall, and the fact that I have a warm winter jacket and cozy boots.

-When I come home, I am always greeted by at least one of my cats. It's nice to be loved unconditionally.

-Music. Always Music. All ways Music.

-My husband's quick wit. We laugh a lot.

-The trust of my friends. This is something I cherish immensely.

-Not having to be anywhere tomorrow morning.

-My bed, which is beckoning me.

Goodnight.

On GRANDparents

Grandparents are aptly named. They are Grand. At least mine were.

I have 3 sets of Grandparents: My father's parents, My mother's father and his 2nd wife ( the only surviving Grandparent I have left) and My mother's mother and husband.

I had a very special bond with my paternal Grandmother, even though I rarely saw her. She made great efforts to be connected to me. The mother of 6 boys, she was the ultimate care-giver. I lost her the summer before I began grade 4. I was devastated. My grandfather, her husband, had passed away when I was too small to be adversely affected. I do wish I had known him better.

My mom's father and 2nd wife were great to me too. I spent a great deal of my time with them when I was a young girl. My fondest memories of their house was my uncle's bedroom and his gerbils. I was fascinated with those rodents. My grandma also collected those Avon perfumes: the women whose torso came off to dispense the potent perfume inside. I also vividly remember those Christmas tree icicles that lit up and had liquid in them. Remember those? My surviving grandma is 84 and we just attended a wedding together - she was dancing up a storm. She's an absolute treasure.

The Grandparents I was the closest to were my Mom's mother and her husband. I spent every summer of the first 12 years of my life with them in hot, dry Saskatchewan where grandpa had 2 farms and a barber business, while grandma ran a successful accounting firm. I made really good friends there, learned to swim, had my first crush on a boy, and even started grade 1 there because my local school board was on strike that year.

These Grandparents were young when they started caring for me in the summer. I think they were in their mid/late 40s. But they were always young at heart. Grandma played the piano by ear, and Grandpa played in a polka band. They loved to dance. He never had any children of his own, so I held a special place in his heart. I felt more like a daughter to him than a granddaughter. He wrote me a song on his accordion - to this day, I regret not recording it or having him write it down. It saddens me to know I will never hear it again. I can't even remember what it sounds like. Their love of music was part of the glue that bonded them, as well as their love of laughter. I loved being with them. My grandma was a tremendous woman. There are no words to describe her that do her enough justice.

I feel like I knew all of these people quite well, but I could have known them better. I regret that I will never have the chance. I have to savor the memories of all of my Grandparents.

Last summer I had a dream about my Grandpa from Saskatchewan and my Dad's mother. It turns out it was a night that was right in the middle of the dates that they both passed away. I couldn't sleep so I got up and wrote this down....

Grandpa

A vision of you woke me

on the eve

of your death's anniversary

And with it

all of my memories

of you

So dignified, you were

Farmer's arms

Sparkling eyes, trouble maker

Wax paper sandwiches

and chocolate bars

in your worn metal lunchbox

Harvest Time

My sundress

complimented by your rubber boots

12 sizes too big

The dusty streets of the hamlet,

Playing marbles in the church pews,

The song you wrote for me

We were bonded

Not by blood

Yet, thicker than blood

You fell in your field

onto your bread and butter

Dignity lost

You disappeared before our eyes

Buried next to wheat sheafs

Dignity regained

Summer fallow

Luckenbooth, Mizpah & Love

From what I've been told, my heritage consists of English, Scottish and Norwegian. The evidence is certainly bountiful regarding the Norwegian heritage on my Mother's side. Both of her siblings, and ALL of their children ( and most grandchildren ) are very fair skinned, with almost white blonde hair. I got my thick dark hair and olive skin from my Father's side of the family. They are all dark haired descendants of the English, for the most part. The Scot heritage is my maternal grandmother's offering, even though her Norwegian heritage shone through most in the looks department.

I was inspired by a friend to write about a piece of jewellery that I had been given and it's significance. I went to my jewellery cabinet and retrieved a very pretty brooch I had been given by my great aunt on my mother's side. In the same small box I also found, wrapped in delicate tissue, a brooch my father had given me, which had come to me through his mother.

Until tonight, I had never really realized the significance of them both being held in the same box. Both of my Grandmothers have passed away. Both of them were incredibly special to me.

The brooch I originally went to retrieve is called a Luckenbooth. My great aunt gave it to me when I was about 11 years old. I wear it from time to time and it always makes me feel close to my maternal
grandmother. I suspect this piece is not an antique, but it holds meaning deeper because it came to me through 2 beautiful women.

Research tells me that the brooches were so called because they were sold from the locked booths on the Royal Mile adjacent to St. Giles Cathedral in Edinburgh, Scotland as early as the 1700s. Traditionally, these brooches were exchanged at marriage, and often put away until the first child was born. Although mine doesn't have these words inscribed "of earthly joys thou art my choice", the intention of the brooch is evident.

The other brooch in my cherished collection is a Mizpah brooch. My father gave it to me several years ago, along with many of his mother's possessions. I admired it, but have never worn it because I
recognized it was an antique. I'd hate to lose it, more so because it belonged to my paternal grandmother, and perhaps her own grandmother. The original pieces date back between 1889-1925. Of course, I treasure this one not because it's antique, but because it is a part of my family. On one side of the brooch ( which appears to have been a locket at one time) it says "Mizpah", the other, engraved by hand, reads "The Lord watch between me and thee when we are absent from one another". Although used mostly in the Victorian era when lovers were separated, they reemerged during WW1 when soldiers went away to war.

Unfortunately, I don't know the full history of either brooch in my possession, but this post has inspired my father and I to find out more about the history of ownership of the Mizpah brooch. I'm very excited. It gives us a chance to delve deeper into our history, and of the women in our past.

I am intrigued that these brooches, lying together in the same box, offer the same meaning on slightly different parallels. They are very romantic symbols. One for bringing lovers together, One for keeping
lovers safe while apart.

Tonight I will go to bed feeling closer to both of my wonderful Grandmothers, whom I miss very much.

Just a thought.....

Some people come into our lives to teach us a lesson

Others come in to enlighten us.

Some people teach us the lesson we need to learn, then they leave....

Others enlighten us, then they leave.

Some people stay and bear witness to the lesson, often learning something valuable from us....

Others stay and enlighten us, and are enlightened, over and over again.

Some people stay forever because they are the lesson....

Others stay forever because they are the light.

Copyright - Lana Wright 2010

The value of an opinion

In my profession, people pay me for my opinion and advice. Most of the time they take what I am saying and put my suggestions in motion. When I'm asked for advice or my opinion, my approach at work is to provide valuable information and hope that my clients take advantage of my experience.

Regardless, sometimes they do the exact opposite ( which is usually what they wanted to do anyway).

My parents are guilty of this too. They are in their golden years and I find that some of our roles are changing. I have opportunities to help them out, mostly by providing contacts or information I have that will save them time and money.

They usually do what they want.

This ticks me off. Rather, it DID. Until yesterday.

I'm in the market for a set of drums, so I polled my musician friends and people that I follow on Twitter who are musicians for their opinions. I received many opinions from experienced musicians. I sing and have piano experience, but in no way do I feel qualified to make an informed decision about a drum purchase.

Many brand names and suggestions on what to look for were gratefully received.

Before I move on, here is something that may be helpful to know about me: I really don't like to follow the status quo. I like to be unique and have unique things. For instance, when I bought my last car, I chose a Saab. At that time, very few people drove a Saab. So, even though I did my research and asked opinions of others, I had decided in advance that I was buying a Saab.

The same happened with the drums. I did some research and decided that I wanted to be different in this instance too. Go figure.

I found a brand that is well made, but not mainstream anymore. And before I got to the music store to look at them, I had already decided that was what I wanted. My best buddy, who is a drummer, approved initially so I felt pretty brilliant for coming up with this idea on my own. When I discovered that the kit wasn't to the precise specs I'd been told to look for, I waned for only a moment. I called my best bud and with this new information, he altered his endorsement. I considered it. For about a fraction of a second. :)

I left the store, without the drums, feeling a bit disappointed. My husband is helping me out and he took me ( very reluctantly ) to another store with many more brands of drums. The one set that caught my eye is made for a very well known and popular manufacturer ( out of the price range I wanted to spend), but if you know me, you'd know that it would be difficult for me to choose the popular choice. (I'm difficult, I know :) So, I looked around and had a few other options to choose from. The gent (a very accomplished drummer) helping me out told me to "buy whatever the fuck you want". He works on commission and told me the truth, or at least validated my position. Even though I won't likely buy my first drum kit from him, he will get my business for as long as he is in the business. I'll buy all of my accessories from him, and likely my next kit.

What is the value of an opinion? Well, it's just that. And everyone has one. If you ask for an opinion, listen to the answer and consider it. If you're asked for your opinion, don't take it personally if the person asking you does something different. It's human nature.

So, after all of that I've decided to go with my choice. After all, it was my idea.

:)