Bring your "A" game

This month has been full of stress for me. Many of my most important relationships have come into question and I've had to sit back and re-evaluate what I want from these relationships versus what I am actually getting and I've been looking at my role in the successes or failures of these alliances.

I think it's easy to blame others when things don't go our way. It's easy to make a list of what you don't like about the other person or the situation. It pushes the accountability away from ourselves and projects it onto others. Piece of cake!

But....it doesn't taste good. After awhile, that "cake" sits in our gut and rots, reminding us that we might have missed an important ingredient: Our own contribution.

Lately, I've had a major stomach ache. Something just hasn't been sitting right. I'm uncomfortable.

I'm uncomfortable because something has to change. And change sometimes hurts.

I have more than a few friendships that I've been looking at. I mean, REALLY looking at.

Lately I've been feeling overlooked and used. Overlooked in the practical sense, but also by not being heard. Used in the literal sense and also by being used as amusement and to fill up the vessels of insecurities that some of my friends have. I'm not insecure, but I don't have enough confidence to give away, either.

I've been sitting back and watching some pretty bad behavior.

People acting like children at my expense.

Or, so I thought.

I realize it is at their own expense.

You see, when we misbehave or act out of alignment, others notice. Because so many of my relationships have 2 sides; real life and/or internet friendships, my senses have heightened. Because I can't be in the presence of some of the people I care about, I have to rely on my interpretation of what they say and do online. And I have to say, I'm kind of disappointed in what I've read and seen lately.

It's made me think about the kind of relationships I want to have. And I realized that I want authentic, honest, and mutually respectful relationships. Enough with the cryptic, demanding or controlling behavior. Enough with the guessing games. Enough with the bullshit.

In real life, I wouldn't put up with a fraction of what I have put up with online. I do think that many people opt for a strictly online friendship because they can't get real. Hiding behind a computer is still hiding. It doesn't, however, cover up one's blatant insecurities. And in real life, you can communicate honestly with words, body language and eye contact. It's hard to be deceived, unless one wants to be. Admittedly, I have wanted to believe something different about certain people who, in the end, have disappointed me. In real life and online.

So, I've said what I need to say to a few people. And they heard what they wanted to hear. I realize that my needs and requests will mostly go ignored. I've heard plenty of excuses about why they do and say the things they do, and I'm a no excuse kinda gal. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

I do expect people to validate my concerns and not make excuses. I have noticed, in my life and as of late, that when I tell people what I need from them, or share my insecurities, I end up comforting them instead of being certain we've met on the same emotional and mature level. It's very disappointing. But, what can you do?

I put value on my relationships. Mostly because I care, and also because at the point of me being invested I've shared confidences with people. My friends are my keepers.

Until they are not.

One of my flaws is that I am stubborn and once I've made up my mind about someone, it takes a lot for me to change my mind. I'm working on that, but in the meantime I have to honor myself and ask of others what I expect. I cannot go on placating to others needs if they blatantly ignore my very basic requests.

A good friend of mine sent me an email and in it she said "...It’s your belief in others. That you give them the chance to step up and play their A game, even if they don’t, the fact that you still have faith in others to do so, is something to celebrate"

I want people to change. I want them to be and act differently. Because I can see how much brighter they would shine and how much deeper our friendships could be.

Much like myself, I don't think they're capable. People are going to do what they want or are programmed to do.

I've pulled out my owner's manual and realized that I was programmed to put myself 2nd.

My owner's manual also tells me how to rewire my programming. I'm currently on the chapter called

"You are worth the weight of your feelings and needs. Don't settle for anything less."

::pulls the plug::

Light Bulbs and Glass Balls

I used to be a workaholic.

I used to spend a lot of time on my cell phone checking emails, trolling facebook and talking to people on twitter while I was in the company of people I loved; friends & family.

I knew it was kind of rude, but they understood. They know that my profession is time consuming and doesn't really have any set hours. So they let it slide.

I realized that while at my Dad's I would leave the room to babysit my phone and I would come back part way through a fun conversation and feel left out. Why the hell should I have felt left out? I took myself out.

Imagine my brain is like a light switch with a dimmer feature. Let's assume the light was turned on but when it came to my issue of being attached to my phone, the dimmer switch of awareness was set quite low. There was a light glow of sight for me when it came to this issue.

As I realized I was missing out on things going on without me, even when I was in the room, the dimmer switch slowly moved up the slide, bringing a little bit of awareness with it each time. More and more, the dimmer would move up and things would come into sight much easier and clearer until I decided that enough was enough. I decided that if I committed to being with someone, I wanted to be with them. That meant, as few distractions as possible. I was pretty sure I was committed to that value and then one day, while I was practicing my new found habit of being present I was with some people I had met through social media. If anyone was going to be lenient about social behaviors and short attention spans, it was this group of people. Admittedly, I checked my social outlets a few times during our time out, but when one of the people I was with pulled out a phone charger and plugged it into the wall in the restaurant, so that they could keep texting and tweeting people that weren't with us, the dimmer switch went all the way to the top of the slide. The lights came on for me fully.



I was a bit shocked that this person didn't value the company of the people they were with enough to just let their phone die and be with the rest of us. I was a bit disgusted actually. And then I thought back to all the times I had done the same thing, or something similar.

If I, as someone exposed to social media, and a heavy user of the medium was appalled at this action of another, imagine how my family and friends felt when I halfheartedly participated in conversations and get togethers.

Since that night, I've done my best to be totally present with the people I am with. I admit, I am not perfect at this yet, but more often than not I leave my phone in my purse while out with the important people in my life. It's not always easy, especially when they reach for their phone to check what calls and emails they have missed, but I am trying.

If you are my friend or family member and are reading this, please know that I am conscious of this shortcoming of mine and I am working on it. I value your time. Time lost with my loved ones is time that can't be replaced.

I was at a seminar last week, and the facilitator shared this quote by Brian Dyson, the CEO of Coca-Cola.

"Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling some five balls in the air. You name them – work, family, health, friends and spirit and you’re keeping all of these in the air. You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. But the other four balls – family, health, friends and spirit are made of glass. If you drop one of these, they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged or even shattered. They will never be the same. You must understand that and strive for balance in your life. How?"

This has stuck with me ever since. It's so true.

It's important to take care of those glass balls. They are irreplaceable.