Bring your "A" game

This month has been full of stress for me. Many of my most important relationships have come into question and I've had to sit back and re-evaluate what I want from these relationships versus what I am actually getting and I've been looking at my role in the successes or failures of these alliances.

I think it's easy to blame others when things don't go our way. It's easy to make a list of what you don't like about the other person or the situation. It pushes the accountability away from ourselves and projects it onto others. Piece of cake!

But....it doesn't taste good. After awhile, that "cake" sits in our gut and rots, reminding us that we might have missed an important ingredient: Our own contribution.

Lately, I've had a major stomach ache. Something just hasn't been sitting right. I'm uncomfortable.

I'm uncomfortable because something has to change. And change sometimes hurts.

I have more than a few friendships that I've been looking at. I mean, REALLY looking at.

Lately I've been feeling overlooked and used. Overlooked in the practical sense, but also by not being heard. Used in the literal sense and also by being used as amusement and to fill up the vessels of insecurities that some of my friends have. I'm not insecure, but I don't have enough confidence to give away, either.

I've been sitting back and watching some pretty bad behavior.

People acting like children at my expense.

Or, so I thought.

I realize it is at their own expense.

You see, when we misbehave or act out of alignment, others notice. Because so many of my relationships have 2 sides; real life and/or internet friendships, my senses have heightened. Because I can't be in the presence of some of the people I care about, I have to rely on my interpretation of what they say and do online. And I have to say, I'm kind of disappointed in what I've read and seen lately.

It's made me think about the kind of relationships I want to have. And I realized that I want authentic, honest, and mutually respectful relationships. Enough with the cryptic, demanding or controlling behavior. Enough with the guessing games. Enough with the bullshit.

In real life, I wouldn't put up with a fraction of what I have put up with online. I do think that many people opt for a strictly online friendship because they can't get real. Hiding behind a computer is still hiding. It doesn't, however, cover up one's blatant insecurities. And in real life, you can communicate honestly with words, body language and eye contact. It's hard to be deceived, unless one wants to be. Admittedly, I have wanted to believe something different about certain people who, in the end, have disappointed me. In real life and online.

So, I've said what I need to say to a few people. And they heard what they wanted to hear. I realize that my needs and requests will mostly go ignored. I've heard plenty of excuses about why they do and say the things they do, and I'm a no excuse kinda gal. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

I do expect people to validate my concerns and not make excuses. I have noticed, in my life and as of late, that when I tell people what I need from them, or share my insecurities, I end up comforting them instead of being certain we've met on the same emotional and mature level. It's very disappointing. But, what can you do?

I put value on my relationships. Mostly because I care, and also because at the point of me being invested I've shared confidences with people. My friends are my keepers.

Until they are not.

One of my flaws is that I am stubborn and once I've made up my mind about someone, it takes a lot for me to change my mind. I'm working on that, but in the meantime I have to honor myself and ask of others what I expect. I cannot go on placating to others needs if they blatantly ignore my very basic requests.

A good friend of mine sent me an email and in it she said "...It’s your belief in others. That you give them the chance to step up and play their A game, even if they don’t, the fact that you still have faith in others to do so, is something to celebrate"

I want people to change. I want them to be and act differently. Because I can see how much brighter they would shine and how much deeper our friendships could be.

Much like myself, I don't think they're capable. People are going to do what they want or are programmed to do.

I've pulled out my owner's manual and realized that I was programmed to put myself 2nd.

My owner's manual also tells me how to rewire my programming. I'm currently on the chapter called

"You are worth the weight of your feelings and needs. Don't settle for anything less."

::pulls the plug::

All I want for Christmas

I'm pretty sure I'm allergic to "stuff". I'm serious.

It's gotten so bad that I shudder and nearly break out in hives when my esthetician will offer to give me something as simple as the nail file that was barely used for my nail service, merely because I simply do not want another thing in my possession.

Which leads me to this whole Christmas thing. I'm a generous person by nature, and anyone who knows me well understands that I like to do things that are my idea...not because I am expected to. That is why I have a hate/hate relationships with all Hallmark holidays. I'm not religious, so Christmas is just another consumer/Hallmark holiday for me.

I'm not trying to take away from the joy that giving and receiving brings each and every one of us. I just do not get any joy in things.

When I grew up, we weren't really wealthy and Christmas, Birthdays and other important events were fun because my mom and dad would each get me one very nice gift and some other essentials. I don't remember ever demanding gifts or expecting them. I appreciated everything I was given. And I loved to give. I still do.

As an adult, I've managed to accumulate a bunch of stuff. Piles and piles of useless stuff. When I look at it all, I imagine it would make incredible kindling. It's absolutely meaningless to me. The only thing it represents is all the hard work I've done and the time I've spent working, in the past 16 years....often at the peril of my personal relationships.

My husband and I were talking and both agree that some of our happiest days together were when we were dirt poor. We had no other choice than to snuggle up on our (only) couch and watch our crappy 19" TV. We struggled financially for a few years and then became financially successful. And then we filled our house with crap.

I imagine what it would be like not to have the burden of all of this stuff. I imagine it would be incredibly liberating. In fact, I have been purging our things and it feels tremendous. Next year for me will be the year of cleansing. Less things, More people.

Back to Christmas. As I mentioned, I am not religious. I used to attend church on Christmas Eve with my grandparents or the Italian friends I grew up with....mostly because I enjoy singing and the company of my family and friends. That tradition passed when my grandparents did, and when my friend Luke got married. I cherish those times together. Notice there is nothing tangible in that experience other than perhaps a hug shared between loved ones.

Because I'm not religious, and because I don't worship possessions any more, Christmas holds a different meaning. I'm sorry if I appear jaded, but I just really don't want to participate in the exchange of things any more. They hold no meaning to me when they are given to me, and unless they are heartfelt and thought out, they hold no meaning when they are given by me. I'm sorry, but that's the truth. I also think it's sad that people go into debt at this time to the year to prove they love someone, or worse, because they are expected to give a gift to someone for whatever reason.

However, in trying to keep the true spirit of the season, I've thought about what I want for Christmas, and have come up with this list. If you must do something for me this Christmas, please consider the following;

- Shut off your computer & your cell phone and sit down with someone you love, look in their eyes and really listen to them. 5 minutes. That's all I ask.

- When at the drive thru at Tim Horton's or Starbucks, pay for the coffee of the person behind you. It's a small price to pay to make someone feel special. You don't know what kind of day or life they are having...that could be a game changer for them.

- Go visit your grandparents. If they aren't alive, go visit someone else's grandparents. Ask them lots of questions. Write their answers down. One day those words on a page will be all you have of them, but that one hour of your undivided attention and your genuine interest in them will mean the world.

- Make dinner for your parents. Sit at the dinner table. Talk. Laugh. THANK them for being your parents.

- Read your child, or someone else's, a story. Hug them. Ask them about your day. Look them in the eye. They are watching you. Make a good example.

- Volunteer your time. Offer your services through Big Brothers/Sisters, go serve a meal at the homeless shelter, become a mentor, shovel your elderly neighbor's walk.

- Write someone a letter. On paper. With a pen. Address the envelope by hand. Put a stamp on it. Mail it.

-Instead of texting someone, pick up the phone and call them. Sometimes people just need to hear your voice.

- Be kind. Be humble. Be generous with your time.

That is all I want for Christmas.

Light Bulbs and Glass Balls

I used to be a workaholic.

I used to spend a lot of time on my cell phone checking emails, trolling facebook and talking to people on twitter while I was in the company of people I loved; friends & family.

I knew it was kind of rude, but they understood. They know that my profession is time consuming and doesn't really have any set hours. So they let it slide.

I realized that while at my Dad's I would leave the room to babysit my phone and I would come back part way through a fun conversation and feel left out. Why the hell should I have felt left out? I took myself out.

Imagine my brain is like a light switch with a dimmer feature. Let's assume the light was turned on but when it came to my issue of being attached to my phone, the dimmer switch of awareness was set quite low. There was a light glow of sight for me when it came to this issue.

As I realized I was missing out on things going on without me, even when I was in the room, the dimmer switch slowly moved up the slide, bringing a little bit of awareness with it each time. More and more, the dimmer would move up and things would come into sight much easier and clearer until I decided that enough was enough. I decided that if I committed to being with someone, I wanted to be with them. That meant, as few distractions as possible. I was pretty sure I was committed to that value and then one day, while I was practicing my new found habit of being present I was with some people I had met through social media. If anyone was going to be lenient about social behaviors and short attention spans, it was this group of people. Admittedly, I checked my social outlets a few times during our time out, but when one of the people I was with pulled out a phone charger and plugged it into the wall in the restaurant, so that they could keep texting and tweeting people that weren't with us, the dimmer switch went all the way to the top of the slide. The lights came on for me fully.



I was a bit shocked that this person didn't value the company of the people they were with enough to just let their phone die and be with the rest of us. I was a bit disgusted actually. And then I thought back to all the times I had done the same thing, or something similar.

If I, as someone exposed to social media, and a heavy user of the medium was appalled at this action of another, imagine how my family and friends felt when I halfheartedly participated in conversations and get togethers.

Since that night, I've done my best to be totally present with the people I am with. I admit, I am not perfect at this yet, but more often than not I leave my phone in my purse while out with the important people in my life. It's not always easy, especially when they reach for their phone to check what calls and emails they have missed, but I am trying.

If you are my friend or family member and are reading this, please know that I am conscious of this shortcoming of mine and I am working on it. I value your time. Time lost with my loved ones is time that can't be replaced.

I was at a seminar last week, and the facilitator shared this quote by Brian Dyson, the CEO of Coca-Cola.

"Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling some five balls in the air. You name them – work, family, health, friends and spirit and you’re keeping all of these in the air. You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. But the other four balls – family, health, friends and spirit are made of glass. If you drop one of these, they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged or even shattered. They will never be the same. You must understand that and strive for balance in your life. How?"

This has stuck with me ever since. It's so true.

It's important to take care of those glass balls. They are irreplaceable.

Heart on My Sleeve

My friend's Mother died 2 nights ago. I never knew her, but I know my friend. And I love him. He knows this, and that is why I actually feel more connected to him in this silence he has shrouded himself in. He told me of the news via email and said that he would not be ready to talk for some time. Because I love him, and he me, I feel safe in the fact that by me respecting his wishes of solitude, I am actually performing a more loving act than by calling him and forcing my condolences on him.

It's difficult to leave people alone when you love them. It's a challenge to stand by and just witness what is going on for them, without trying to step in and fix the situation. It's difficult to come to terms with the fact that this cannot be fixed.

Of course, I am feeling incredibly sad for my friend. And I feel helpless. This has brought great discomfort for me. I've tried to sleep and waves of sadness flow over and through me. I try to sit/sleep in the discomfort, but my soul calls me to move. And write. So here I am. Moving it. Writing.....

I called both of my parents last night, in tears. I felt that I had to tell them that I love them and wouldn't know what I'd do without them in my life. I realized that they could be taken from me without notice, without consent, without preparation, at any time. The same is true for me. Life is just that...life. It happens. You're born, and if you are lucky you learn, love, laugh, until you leave.

I know that I love my parents. There is no doubt in my mind, heart or soul. It may be naive of me to believe that I have the most ideal parents ( for me ) in the world. I rarely get upset with them, and if we have a disagreement, we quickly discuss and repair any hurt feelings. Our bond is strong.

What I didn't know is that they know that I love them. I mean, really know. Deep in their souls. And if they left their bodies tomorrow, they would have no doubt of my love for them. They both told me so. And I have to trust that they truly know that the love I possess for them is undying. It could never and will never diminish.

I'm pretty confident that they really know that I love them deeply, because they taught me how to love. I know no other way how to love, and it is obvious that they know no other way. If you are loved by my parents, you know it. They truly love many, and are both truly loved by many.

I realized that I am a very loving person. Even when I am not feeling very lovable, or especially forthcoming with my love.

I realized that I am able to portray how much I care for my family and friends in a subtle way. I am also able to express my love in big, bold ways.

I realized that the people I love know it.

There is nothing else I need to do.

I can sleep.....

Finding the perfect PHriendship balance

This past weekend was spent with my best friend. We had no husbands to distract us, no job obligations for me, and none of her 3 small children clamoring for her attention. It was awesome, to say the least.

Over lunch, we were discussing the current people in our lives. We are both at the point where we've decided that it is becoming even more important to have quality over quantity when it comes to friends. Being a grown up is hard sometimes, and for that reason alone (never mind all the other reasons we need friends) it is important to only have people around you that nurture you, add to your happiness and elevate you.

We both found it interesting that most friendships seem to have a hierarchy built into them. Whether between 2 friends, or a group of friends.

I thought it was just me, but she admitted to feeling the same way about some of her friends too.

I used the word hierarchy to describe how some friendships feel. With some people it's almost as if you aren't entirely equal. Even though I have a strong personality, am very decisive, and very sure of who I am, I sometimes I feel as though I am the underdog/follower in a friendship. Other times I feel like I am the leader. Often, on my way to meet up with certain friends, I feel like my 36 year old self and then when I get in their presence, I feel like a 6 year old who is trying to stay under the radar and not say anything to set myself apart. Other times, I feel as though the friend I am with feels like the 6 year old - not prepared to really voice the opinion I know they have or be who they really are in front of me. I don't think these positions are agreed to intentionally....no one strong arms the other into taking a lesser position in the friendship, or elevates themselves purposefully. It just seems to be a silent agreement that takes place early in the friendship and continues throughout. It's not a bad thing, either, just very interesting to me. I do feel happier in friendships that have a nice neutral balance to them, however.

It's really rare to find someone who can have a balanced hierarchy or PH balance with.

My best friend and I have that PH(riendship) balance. When we come together we are completely equal. Free to be ourselves, without fear of judgement or rejection. Sometimes, one friend will take the lead and the other will follow, and vise versa, (as we all have strengths that we share at different times-this mostly happens when helping the other person out) but it's not a permanent situation. They both seem to always come back to balance.

I'm lucky to have that true balance with at least one other friend. Being with these people is like eating organic food that hasn't been altered, or like drinking the perfect glass of water. It doesn't need anything added to change the PH balance....it's perfect just the way it is.

And you're healthier and happier for it.

30 Days of Gratitude - A bucket full! (24th-28th)

Just so you know, I am not intentionally avoiding posting every day. I've been away for 3 days in beautiful San Francisco. I have, however, been thankful and aware of things to be grateful for so many things this month, and in the last 5 days, especially.

Walking non-stop, in San Fran, made me grateful for my health - some people do not have the luxury of choosing to walk, instead of taking a cab. Walking also called me to be "present". Aside from having to be aware and not get hit by a car, or pay attention to a map so as not to get lost, it also called me to look at my surroundings and take them in. One of the nice things about when I go on holidays is that "unplugging" from email, my voicemail, my pager and social media, actually heightens my senses. Things look beautiful, food tastes amazing, music sounds clearer. It's really a wonderful way to feel alive again. So, I guess one of my main gratitudes is the ability to HOLIDAY.

Coming home to a clean desk and no smoldering fires to put out is also something I am grateful for. Arriving home at 1:30 am and having to be pulled-together to meet a new client first thing on a Monday is so much easier when there is no chaos to clean up after a holiday. I am grateful to my HUSBAND/business partner who made my little mini-break possible.

One of my friends, even knowing that I was away, made sure to text me while I was away to let me know they were thinking of me. I remember smiling while walking through arrivals in Vancouver, while reading their text. In friendship, as in all relationships, it truly is the LITTLE THINGS.

Above all, I am most grateful for having the time to spend with my BEST FRIEND. With the difference in our lifestyles and our different geographical locations, spending uninterrupted time with my best friend is rare and cherished. Being able to go away with her and shop, eat, laugh, talk, cry and reconnect is one of the highlights of my year so far. She is one of the best human beings I know. I'm very privileged to have her in my life.

Gratitude.....

30 Days of Gratitude - Days 21-23

I have a potpourri of gratitudes this week;

CAT NAPS - The other day I lay down for 20 minutes. My male cat, Adonis came and joined me. He has this thing about laying beside me and snuggling in. I wrap my arm around him and he relaxes his head and falls asleep on my arm. The trouble with this is that when I'm ready to get up, he most certainly is not. So, the other day, he "forced" me to nap for 80 minutes instead. I needed that.

It's always comforting to fall asleep to a purring cat.

A related gratitude is VEGGING OUT - Lately, work has been testing me. I come home burnt out and feeling aggravated. The thought of scanning and uploading another document, or answering another "small" request implodes my brain. So, this week, I have been giving myself permission to just chill out in the evenings. I feel much better for it. It doesn't hurt that I have discovered a TV show that I love ( Flipping Out) thus making it very easy to have a mindless TV marathon and giving my brain a break.

One more thing;

I am very grateful for my friend, RICHARD. He is one of my friends from Vancouver. Although he is 15 years younger than me, I feel that in many ways, he is much older than that. I am always in awe with his ambition and determination. We have differing opinions about which hockey team is better ( Flames or Canucks ) but we don't let that rivalry get between us.

Richard has taken the initiative to organize a project called "Five Hole for Food", an effort to raise money, collect food and raise awareness for food banks across Canada. He is taking one of his favorite things; hockey, and employing that passion to make a difference. He stayed at our house on his way to Toronto ( via car ) and will be making his way back across Canada, stopping in major cities to host a street hockey game and food collection event.

I think that even though I am a lot older than Richard, I am learning more from him than he is learning from me.

That excites me.

You can see what Richard is doing at Five Hole For Food


Gratitude.....

30 Days of Gratitude - Day 8

Today, and every day, I am grateful for my FRIENDS.

I was given a heart token today that read "Friends are the family we make for ourselves". I found that so appropriate, especially as lately I have really been evaluating my relationships and trying to strengthen the friendships that are deep and meaningful to me.

One day I was having a rough "family" day and made a joke : "Family is the reason we make friends". I really didn't mean it, because my family is tremendous. I know you may be thinking "Yeah right, no one's family is perfect or wonderful all the time", but my family really is. My parents have set an example about how to treat each other ( they've been divorced for 30+ years) that I haven't seen demonstrated very often. My brother is amazing and the rest of my extended family adds so much substance to my life.

But, my FRIENDS.....my friends are amazing. I am so grateful to have such beautiful, straightforward, caring friends. They also are incredibly patient with me when I "disappear" or aren't 100 % present in their lives. I always feel supported, never alone. In fact, the only time I feel lonely is when I take myself "out". They always reach out, even if I am not always available to receive their love.

So, to my friends. Thank you. Thank you for being you. Thank you for being in my life. Thank you for being in my extended "family"

Gratitude....