The value of an opinion

In my profession, people pay me for my opinion and advice. Most of the time they take what I am saying and put my suggestions in motion. When I'm asked for advice or my opinion, my approach at work is to provide valuable information and hope that my clients take advantage of my experience.

Regardless, sometimes they do the exact opposite ( which is usually what they wanted to do anyway).

My parents are guilty of this too. They are in their golden years and I find that some of our roles are changing. I have opportunities to help them out, mostly by providing contacts or information I have that will save them time and money.

They usually do what they want.

This ticks me off. Rather, it DID. Until yesterday.

I'm in the market for a set of drums, so I polled my musician friends and people that I follow on Twitter who are musicians for their opinions. I received many opinions from experienced musicians. I sing and have piano experience, but in no way do I feel qualified to make an informed decision about a drum purchase.

Many brand names and suggestions on what to look for were gratefully received.

Before I move on, here is something that may be helpful to know about me: I really don't like to follow the status quo. I like to be unique and have unique things. For instance, when I bought my last car, I chose a Saab. At that time, very few people drove a Saab. So, even though I did my research and asked opinions of others, I had decided in advance that I was buying a Saab.

The same happened with the drums. I did some research and decided that I wanted to be different in this instance too. Go figure.

I found a brand that is well made, but not mainstream anymore. And before I got to the music store to look at them, I had already decided that was what I wanted. My best buddy, who is a drummer, approved initially so I felt pretty brilliant for coming up with this idea on my own. When I discovered that the kit wasn't to the precise specs I'd been told to look for, I waned for only a moment. I called my best bud and with this new information, he altered his endorsement. I considered it. For about a fraction of a second. :)

I left the store, without the drums, feeling a bit disappointed. My husband is helping me out and he took me ( very reluctantly ) to another store with many more brands of drums. The one set that caught my eye is made for a very well known and popular manufacturer ( out of the price range I wanted to spend), but if you know me, you'd know that it would be difficult for me to choose the popular choice. (I'm difficult, I know :) So, I looked around and had a few other options to choose from. The gent (a very accomplished drummer) helping me out told me to "buy whatever the fuck you want". He works on commission and told me the truth, or at least validated my position. Even though I won't likely buy my first drum kit from him, he will get my business for as long as he is in the business. I'll buy all of my accessories from him, and likely my next kit.

What is the value of an opinion? Well, it's just that. And everyone has one. If you ask for an opinion, listen to the answer and consider it. If you're asked for your opinion, don't take it personally if the person asking you does something different. It's human nature.

So, after all of that I've decided to go with my choice. After all, it was my idea.

:)

Parties for your Problems

Before you leave me an angry comment about this topic, please understand that I have attended support groups. I was addicted to support groups and self-help seminars for years. I don't state my opinions about things unless I feel I have the experience to back up my opinions. I am also not bringing this topic up to offend anyone.

I'm just hoping that people will look at things from a different angle.

I used to have a tendency to attract alcoholics into my life. Some of these alcoholics play(ed) a large and important role in my life, so I turned to Al-Anon to help me sort out how to deal with the situations that arose by having these people in my life. Admittedly, I go back once in awhile if I suffer a crisis with an alcoholic loved-one. However, I usually only go once. I don't make a habit of it.

Here's why: although I often learn something new or am reminded that I am not to blame for my loved-ones' condition, I usually have to sit through the same sad stories, complaining, and others feeling very sorry for themselves before I can get to the substance of why I am there. By that time I'm utterly exhausted and end up leaving very sad and often worse than when I came.

I've started to realize that support groups are like "parties for your problems". Almost every human condition has a support group. There are support groups for survivors of cancer, there are support groups for parents with troubled kids, there are support groups for battered women, for addictions etc. I do think that some of these groups are actually not bad - certainly where people are sharing and problem solving. Unfortunately, I've never been to one of those meetings.
If more time was spent on the solution, rather than the problem, I would endorse support groups 100%. That doesn't seem to be the norm, though.

My experience with support groups is that everyone takes a turn telling their story (it rarely changes from week to week, because the story teller hasn't done anything to change the story), and there are tissues and tears, some laughter, and usually one person who dominates the entire evening with their problems without regard to the time limits in place or the fact that others are there for support too.

As I said, I have rarely come away with a solution for my issue, not to mention I've often felt more alone when I've left support groups. That, in it's definition, would be the opposite of feeling supported.

My other problem with support groups is that I am a firm believer in getting more of what you think about. So, by commiserating, complaining, talking more about it, people are actually giving these issues more power. If you've survived cancer, why go to a support group to support cancer? A woman that I have a lot of respect for, and who has had breast cancer resulting in a double mastectomy told a story about her first (and last) time at a breast cancer support group. Essentially, she had the same feelings as I do; why are these people sitting around talking about breast cancer? Why are you letting having had breast cancer define who you are? And lastly she asked out loud "why aren't there any groups for survivors of the swine flu?". She was politely asked not to come to any more meetings. I'm pretty sure that not going to those "support" groups have been more beneficial for her health and well-being than attending them.

The point is this: whatever you are going to get support for happened or is happening to you, Talking about it and giving it more power and momentum by simply focusing on it may not help....it may actually hurt.

I commend anyone who makes a step to look for help, support, guidance. I just ask that you carefully consider what you are getting out of going to these parties for your problems.

I used to go to support groups and self-help seminars for several reasons. One of which is that I used to get something out of commiserating with others. I got to complain and feel sorry for myself. Seeing someone feel compassion for me felt worthy. Sometimes it reinforced that my problems were far less than other people.

But I rarely left feeling better.

I really don't want to be surrounded by sadness, and people who feel sorry for themselves. I want to be around people who are walking, not talking.

Yes, we have to acknowledge our problems before we can do something about it. But do something about it. Stop talking about it. Stop giving your problems a safe haven in your life to thrive. I feel like support groups offer a form of procrastination and are often addicting in themselves. What would you do every Tuesday night at 8 pm if you stopped letting this problem define who you are? I can see how that prospect might frighten some people. It could be easier just to do the same thing and know where you fit in, even if it's not healthy.

Maybe we could change the name of support groups to "alliances", and change the focus to supporting a solution, instead of supporting the problem or wallowing in past experience. Looking forward is the only way you can move forward.

You can let your bad experiences change and affect you but don't ever let them DEFINE you.

Do Nice Guys Really Finish Last?

I have several single male friends. I spend time with them because they really rock my world. They are wonderful, talented, smart, handsome, generous.....all of the qualities females claim to want in a mate.

Yet, they are still single.

The major complaint I hear from my male friends is that the girls they are trying to date are "flaky" or "playing mind games".

Hear this: No relationship worth being in, romantic or otherwise should have mind games. It's time to grow up and walk away from people that want to keep you guessing about how they feel about you or what they want. It's absolutely unnecessary for people to play around with your emotions. This goes for ANY relationship you are in, by the way ( platonic, family, romantic).

Think about your past relationships. Did you ever have a "psycho" girlfriend? One that was insecure, dropped absolutely everything to spend time with you, controlling, jealous....cried on the phone a lot, made mountains out of molehills?

Yes?

Then you know THAT side of how women can be. You don't want that, right? So, why would you want the opposite: someone that cancels plans all of the time and really could care less what you are doing or whether they see you or not? Obviously you want a confident woman ( and if you don't, that's a whole other ball of "twisted" wax) and someone who isn't controlling or jealous. But, we all want someone who WANTS to spend time with us. There is a happy medium between the psycho and the non-caring. It's called a mature, rational and loving human being.

Hear this: If they cancel the first date, give them a pass. If they continually change the details of dates or flake out on you at the last minute THEY AREN'T INTERESTED IN YOU.

They are likely more interested in the fact that you are interested in them. AND they likely have something/someone else they are exploring the possibility of at the same time. Stringing you along as a consolation prize has no consequence to them.

People will show you who they are and how they will treat you very early in your relationship with them. PAY ATTENTION.

There's a saying that "nice guys finish last". And you know what? If you continue to enable these women to play games with you, you will finish last. You will finish alone.

The myth that women are not like men when it comes to dating is FALSE. Just like there are wonderful men who are loyal, honest, forthcoming with their feelings, and direct, there are just as many women who are disloyal, dishonest, and play games.

Somewhere along the line, women decided that they could date like a man and have sex like a man. You need to follow your gut instinct, not your penis instinct. Learn the difference.

If you are a kind man, these women will take advantage of you. If you let them.

You will not change another human being. You cannot make someone fall in love with you. You cannot trick them into loving you by engaging in mind games with them.

People decide early on if you are special to them, and they want to spend time with you.

You will know it. Women have a tendency to binge on relationships early on. They will move mountains to spend time with you and make you feel like the only man on the planet.

When that happens, pay attention. It's not a trick.

Hear this: Stop spending time with people who don't make you a priority.