Bring your "A" game

This month has been full of stress for me. Many of my most important relationships have come into question and I've had to sit back and re-evaluate what I want from these relationships versus what I am actually getting and I've been looking at my role in the successes or failures of these alliances.

I think it's easy to blame others when things don't go our way. It's easy to make a list of what you don't like about the other person or the situation. It pushes the accountability away from ourselves and projects it onto others. Piece of cake!

But....it doesn't taste good. After awhile, that "cake" sits in our gut and rots, reminding us that we might have missed an important ingredient: Our own contribution.

Lately, I've had a major stomach ache. Something just hasn't been sitting right. I'm uncomfortable.

I'm uncomfortable because something has to change. And change sometimes hurts.

I have more than a few friendships that I've been looking at. I mean, REALLY looking at.

Lately I've been feeling overlooked and used. Overlooked in the practical sense, but also by not being heard. Used in the literal sense and also by being used as amusement and to fill up the vessels of insecurities that some of my friends have. I'm not insecure, but I don't have enough confidence to give away, either.

I've been sitting back and watching some pretty bad behavior.

People acting like children at my expense.

Or, so I thought.

I realize it is at their own expense.

You see, when we misbehave or act out of alignment, others notice. Because so many of my relationships have 2 sides; real life and/or internet friendships, my senses have heightened. Because I can't be in the presence of some of the people I care about, I have to rely on my interpretation of what they say and do online. And I have to say, I'm kind of disappointed in what I've read and seen lately.

It's made me think about the kind of relationships I want to have. And I realized that I want authentic, honest, and mutually respectful relationships. Enough with the cryptic, demanding or controlling behavior. Enough with the guessing games. Enough with the bullshit.

In real life, I wouldn't put up with a fraction of what I have put up with online. I do think that many people opt for a strictly online friendship because they can't get real. Hiding behind a computer is still hiding. It doesn't, however, cover up one's blatant insecurities. And in real life, you can communicate honestly with words, body language and eye contact. It's hard to be deceived, unless one wants to be. Admittedly, I have wanted to believe something different about certain people who, in the end, have disappointed me. In real life and online.

So, I've said what I need to say to a few people. And they heard what they wanted to hear. I realize that my needs and requests will mostly go ignored. I've heard plenty of excuses about why they do and say the things they do, and I'm a no excuse kinda gal. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

I do expect people to validate my concerns and not make excuses. I have noticed, in my life and as of late, that when I tell people what I need from them, or share my insecurities, I end up comforting them instead of being certain we've met on the same emotional and mature level. It's very disappointing. But, what can you do?

I put value on my relationships. Mostly because I care, and also because at the point of me being invested I've shared confidences with people. My friends are my keepers.

Until they are not.

One of my flaws is that I am stubborn and once I've made up my mind about someone, it takes a lot for me to change my mind. I'm working on that, but in the meantime I have to honor myself and ask of others what I expect. I cannot go on placating to others needs if they blatantly ignore my very basic requests.

A good friend of mine sent me an email and in it she said "...It’s your belief in others. That you give them the chance to step up and play their A game, even if they don’t, the fact that you still have faith in others to do so, is something to celebrate"

I want people to change. I want them to be and act differently. Because I can see how much brighter they would shine and how much deeper our friendships could be.

Much like myself, I don't think they're capable. People are going to do what they want or are programmed to do.

I've pulled out my owner's manual and realized that I was programmed to put myself 2nd.

My owner's manual also tells me how to rewire my programming. I'm currently on the chapter called

"You are worth the weight of your feelings and needs. Don't settle for anything less."

::pulls the plug::

Light Bulbs and Glass Balls

I used to be a workaholic.

I used to spend a lot of time on my cell phone checking emails, trolling facebook and talking to people on twitter while I was in the company of people I loved; friends & family.

I knew it was kind of rude, but they understood. They know that my profession is time consuming and doesn't really have any set hours. So they let it slide.

I realized that while at my Dad's I would leave the room to babysit my phone and I would come back part way through a fun conversation and feel left out. Why the hell should I have felt left out? I took myself out.

Imagine my brain is like a light switch with a dimmer feature. Let's assume the light was turned on but when it came to my issue of being attached to my phone, the dimmer switch of awareness was set quite low. There was a light glow of sight for me when it came to this issue.

As I realized I was missing out on things going on without me, even when I was in the room, the dimmer switch slowly moved up the slide, bringing a little bit of awareness with it each time. More and more, the dimmer would move up and things would come into sight much easier and clearer until I decided that enough was enough. I decided that if I committed to being with someone, I wanted to be with them. That meant, as few distractions as possible. I was pretty sure I was committed to that value and then one day, while I was practicing my new found habit of being present I was with some people I had met through social media. If anyone was going to be lenient about social behaviors and short attention spans, it was this group of people. Admittedly, I checked my social outlets a few times during our time out, but when one of the people I was with pulled out a phone charger and plugged it into the wall in the restaurant, so that they could keep texting and tweeting people that weren't with us, the dimmer switch went all the way to the top of the slide. The lights came on for me fully.



I was a bit shocked that this person didn't value the company of the people they were with enough to just let their phone die and be with the rest of us. I was a bit disgusted actually. And then I thought back to all the times I had done the same thing, or something similar.

If I, as someone exposed to social media, and a heavy user of the medium was appalled at this action of another, imagine how my family and friends felt when I halfheartedly participated in conversations and get togethers.

Since that night, I've done my best to be totally present with the people I am with. I admit, I am not perfect at this yet, but more often than not I leave my phone in my purse while out with the important people in my life. It's not always easy, especially when they reach for their phone to check what calls and emails they have missed, but I am trying.

If you are my friend or family member and are reading this, please know that I am conscious of this shortcoming of mine and I am working on it. I value your time. Time lost with my loved ones is time that can't be replaced.

I was at a seminar last week, and the facilitator shared this quote by Brian Dyson, the CEO of Coca-Cola.

"Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling some five balls in the air. You name them – work, family, health, friends and spirit and you’re keeping all of these in the air. You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. But the other four balls – family, health, friends and spirit are made of glass. If you drop one of these, they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged or even shattered. They will never be the same. You must understand that and strive for balance in your life. How?"

This has stuck with me ever since. It's so true.

It's important to take care of those glass balls. They are irreplaceable.

Changing my mind

I usually exist in a world that is quite positive. I believe that life is good and with an optimistic attitude comes a pleasant experience. This has worked for me all of my life. I am always aware of my self-talk and do my best to catch myself when I'm not thinking in the right direction to achieve my goals.

Last week I totally forgot to do that.

Monday was grey and cold. Miserable. And so, I decided that I was also grey, cold and miserable. And guess what? I was. All week. Five whole days!

Normally, I recognize that I'm in a bad mood and give myself a timeline to "get over it". Last week I just sat in the mud. Stuck. I wanted to be down and dirty. I wanted to be unlovable.

I avoided people. I broke plans. I just felt fucking sorry for myself. I actually thought about running away. Literally. Instead of turning north off the main highway that takes me home, I was tempted just to keep driving west. Into the mountains. Into the ocean, if that's what it took. No, I'm not suicidal. I just wanted a fresh outlook. A fresh start. I wanted to get clean.

On Saturday, I got my fresh start. The sun was out. I found some good music to listen to. There was a spring in my step. Nothing had changed in my life, except for my mind.

I decided that I was going to approach my challenges with a new perspective. I was enthusiastic about work and my relationships. I wanted to reach out and talk to people, to make them feel important. And in turn, I felt good. I appreciated the things that people did for me and did things for others that they could appreciate. I was impeccable with my word.

People that I love reached out and found me. Many of them had no idea I was falling. Yet, they were there. It was awesome that they were intuitive and felt my need. (I'm not good at asking for help).

Yesterday, I cleaned off my desk. Rearranged it entirely. Placed my goals in front of me, in writing. Checked of my "to do" list. Made another. Took a deep breath and realized that I had changed my mind about how things were going to look in my immediate future.

Today I feel new.

There's an old saying that changing one's mind is a woman's prerogative.

I agree, and I beg to differ.

In fact, it is everyone's prerogative.

You can change your mind.

What the F❤ck is Ladylike?

"I’m sorry about your girl
Little center of the universe
Axis turns the world
And you need a jet to get to her
Oh, the way she moves, attracts all kinds of focus
From all over the room
She smokes, not ladylike. She’s not ladylike....

The song scattered throughout this post is written and performed by an amazing woman, and artist, Storm Large. It, along with another song (Dave Matthews Band's "The Stone") really resonates with me every time I hear it.

I often question what ladylike is, because, I admit it; sometimes I am not.

I curse. I wear jeans, rocker T's and leather bracelets. I drink from time to time. And I speak my mind.

A lot of the time.

I do, however, clean up well. I have beautiful designer business clothes that I wear when necessary. I love purses. I cannot pass a shoe store without having a look. I carry on conversations ( 99.99% of them, in fact,) without swearing. I am gracious and kind.

I don't think "ladylike" is always what is on the outside. Sure, you can dress anyone up and present them to the world, but if they don't have what it takes to be a "lady", their appearance will just become a costume.

So, what the fuck is ladylike?

To me, you can answer that question in 2 ways.

Ladylike can be a way you carry yourself. It can come through in the way you present yourself as a human being, a soul. Do you care about people, and does it shine through, sincerely? Do you laugh often, not at others, but with them? Can you look beyond your own mirror into someone else's' eyes, and sympathize with them? Can you? Moreover, will you?

It can shine through in your appearance. Do you care about how you look on the outside? Because, trust me, if you feel lovely on the outside, it is easier to feel lovely on the inside...and then it shines through. But it isn't all about clothes. It can be the laugh lines around your eyes, or a gentle smile. More importantly, it's in the way you carry yourself. Can you enter a room and make your presence known without stealing the show?

In many ways, to me, that is ladylike.

And then, there is lady like. And what I mean by that is doing what the lady likes...

...Well I’m so sorry about your wife
She’s up and off and running

Going on with her own life
Word to your mother
She’s stunning

And there’s a part of you
That’s just a little scared of her
Axis turns the world

And you need a jet to get to her
She’s great and she knows

How to wear the pants
And the rest of your clothes...

I think it is important to do the things that create balance in your life. That is part of nurturing your womanhood. The lyrics above describe me in many ways. I have my own life, apart from my duties as a wife and a business woman. I have never felt more empowered than I have since embracing my needs and focusing my energy on what is important to me. Without that gift to myself, I can turn into a monster....which is in no way, ladylike.

I believe that the key is to do what you like without reckless disregard for those around you. It's an art. If you haven't done "what you want" for much of your life, and then suddenly embrace this value, it can be frightening for you and for those around you. Approaching this with grace embodies the ideal of "ladylike".

What the fuck is ladylike

If ladies like to do what the fuck they like
Just like you, yeah. Just like you

Look out man here comes another one...

Like anything, terms and characterizations, rules and ideas are all open to interpretation. Under my interpretation, I am a lady...

A well-rounded, well-spoken lady who likes to kick a little ass.

...On my knees or on all fours
From underneath
Hear me roar"

Lyrics by Storm Large "Ladylike"

30 Days of Gratitude - Days 14, 15, 16

Wow, I sort of fell off the wagon with my blog posts there, folks. I was/am exhausted so felt that I should rest rather than do anything else I felt obligated to do.

I was actually starting to feel like this blog wasn't having an impact but I got some unsolicited feedback from 2 friends and I realize that even though people don't make comments on the blog, doesn't mean they aren't reading and appreciating it. So, thank you. I am grateful for those of you who are reading and appreciating what I am trying to do here.

Looks like I have some catching up to do!! So, here we go...

Over the past 3 days, I, admittedly, haven't been feeling very grateful. Not that I've been ungrateful, I've just felt kind of meh. BUT, there is always something to be grateful for.

I think what the last 3 days has taught me is that people DO care about me. I think I'm difficult to "love" ,sometimes, in that I have a very independent nature and don't ask for support or help very often. So, I am really grateful for those of you in my life that reach out when you know something isn't quite right with me. THANK YOU.

I am also really grateful for MUSIC. We have all experienced that moment when the most appropriate song finds us, whether we are going through a loss or challenge, or deeply in love, or excited, or sad. I spend so much time in my car, mostly alone, and this week the most appropriate songs reached through my stereo and found me. The 3 songs that made the biggest impact on me, or reminded me of my values and who I am are;

"Seek Up" - Dave Matthews Band "....you seek up an emotion and our cup is overflowing...." (more)
"Step Inside this House" - Lyle Lovett "....It's funny how I loved that book, and I never loved that girl...." (more)
"I've Been This Way Before" - Neil Diamond. "....some people never see the light until the day they die..." (more)

They all resonate for different reasons. All 3 have been on repeat this week. I encourage you to read the lyrics or listen to them. They are all beautiful songs; each with a great message.

One day I'd like to sit down and start to compile the "Soundtrack to my life". It would be a huge project. Maybe it should be on my bucket list....


I am also grateful for CHILDREN, specifically their authenticity. I am so fortunate to volunteer at a school with an emphasis on the development of special needs children. (There are also typical children in attendance at this wonderful school) As the school year draws to a close, the children are enjoying special "theme" days. Today was sports day, but because it was so miserable outside, we all needed to be flexible. All of the kindergarten classes were transformed into "stations" and the children were able to move freely around the rooms and explore the different opportunities. I was in the music room. We had bongo drums, bells, triangles, rubbing sticks....the whole nine yards really. It was wonderful to watch them "dance like no one is watching". Total authenticity. We ( the adults) couldn't help but follow their lead. At one point, a sweet little boy had a plastic hammer and was beating it against the bongo drums. He accidentally hit me in the chin with the hammer. He looked at me and said "I'm sorry" and then took the palm of his hand and caressed my whole face until he knew that I was okay. It was the sweetest thing I'd seen in a long time. You cannot teach that kind of authentic compassion. But you can unteach it. Let's agree not to do that to our children.

Gratitude....