Patterns

Awhile ago, I updated my facebook with this:

"Some people's patterns are like the fabrics that make up Don Cherry's suits : Obvious and screaming "Look at me! I'm making a statement!". You may not like what's being said, but even if you turn down the volume, that fabric is still staring you in the face".

I typically get a lot of comments on my facebook statuses and that one was pretty much ignored. I suspect because people didn't understand my point. I do have a lot of American friends, and Don Cherry is a Canadian icon, so I can understand the Yankees not getting it, but I also think it's a bit ambiguous or simply doesn't make sense. So, let me explain....

If you were born in Canada, and if you have a pulse, chances are that when you were young you were introduced to "Hockey Night In Canada", our weekly Saturday night fill of NHL Hockey. It's been a Canadian institution and has been for, what seems like, forever. Don Cherry's "Coach's Corner" is a staple of that broadcast. Between the 1st and 2nd periods, Don and his right hand man, Ron Maclean, discuss hockey. Or, rather, Don basically shares his very sharp and one sided opinion about what is going on in hockey. All the while, wearing the most outrageous custom made suits. Some people love Don and his outspoken opinions, other people dislike him. People that like him ( like me) stop what they are doing and watch/listen to Don for that brief time. Others mute his segment. His outspoken personality is predictable (although not always what he says) and his suits are always outrageous (even though they are never the same).

Here's the thing; People can mute his segment, but even if they catch it for a second and change the channel they usually catch a glimpse of Don's very loud suits. They make their own statement. You can try to ignore them, but week after week, there they are: demanding to be noticed.

What does this have to do with people's patterns?

When you get to know someone quite well, or have the pleasure/displeasure of associating with them often, you pick up on their patterns. Perhaps they are always late. Maybe they embellish details every time they tell a story. Some people have addictive personalities and predictable patterns of abuse/remorse/manipulation. Others are incongruent with what they say vs. what they do. Either way, we all have patterns.

Those of us who recognize the patterns in others, yet allow them to continue also have a pattern of allowing that to happen against our better judgment.

I'm a big observer of patterns. I have mine memorized. I often don't recognize them until I'm in full on "pattern" mode, but I do see them. When others see them, and point out my flaws, I'm grateful. I try to take that input and adjust my patterns accordingly, if it's for the better (which it usually is).

I see them in others all the time too. And I file them away in my memory bank for future reference.

Lately I have been withdrawing those references and putting them together like a puzzle - or if we are still using the Don Cherry example - like a suit.

I take the recurring behavior that I see in someone and lay it out on the table. I piece it together with other indications of the same behavior from that person and piece by piece, the entire fabric of the situation starts to show me the entire picture, or suit, if you will.

Sometimes it's a beautiful suit and it fits me. It's made of beautiful fabric, has a nice texture, and is incredibly comfortable. There might be a few loose buttons or a snag here or there, but those flaws never ruin the integrity of the suit. In many cases, they add character.

Other times, I find that the suit doesn't quite fit. It may have, at one point. Or, I may simply have been in denial mode. (We all have a pair of jeans sitting in the closet that we are saving for a time when we were the size we used to be) Let's face it, sometimes I've grown and I've changed and those jeans or that suit just don't fit me the same way. Maybe the fabric is outdated. Perhaps the zipper is broken. Or, it could just be that the fabric is plain old ugly and I'm not even sure what compelled me to add that garment to my closet.

Lately, I've been cleaning out my closet. For some garments ( people ) I have simply shuffled them around the closet to the "less often worn" section, and other pieces have been entirely removed. Some outfits need some extra TLC and they are put aside for further care and mending. And, yes, some are put in the "When I change back to who I was" pile.

Here's the deal. I'm not going to change back to who I was. It's impossible. I'm on a fast-paced journey at the moment. And my new fabric is bright, light and comfortable. The items in the "when I change back..." pile are usually tight and constricting and often give me "muffin top".

The people in my life who are incongruent in their behavior, or the ones who aren't ready to get real and update their fabric are going to be left behind. And they will likely be paired up with separates, in someone else's closet, that compliment them. And that's okay.

If you are in my life, I'm watching you. Mostly because I love you, and I love having you in my life. I love watching human behavior in action.

I'm not judging, I'm just noticing.

And just as I know I'm not fooling you, or hiding my patterns from you, I can't be fooled either.

Light Bulbs and Glass Balls

I used to be a workaholic.

I used to spend a lot of time on my cell phone checking emails, trolling facebook and talking to people on twitter while I was in the company of people I loved; friends & family.

I knew it was kind of rude, but they understood. They know that my profession is time consuming and doesn't really have any set hours. So they let it slide.

I realized that while at my Dad's I would leave the room to babysit my phone and I would come back part way through a fun conversation and feel left out. Why the hell should I have felt left out? I took myself out.

Imagine my brain is like a light switch with a dimmer feature. Let's assume the light was turned on but when it came to my issue of being attached to my phone, the dimmer switch of awareness was set quite low. There was a light glow of sight for me when it came to this issue.

As I realized I was missing out on things going on without me, even when I was in the room, the dimmer switch slowly moved up the slide, bringing a little bit of awareness with it each time. More and more, the dimmer would move up and things would come into sight much easier and clearer until I decided that enough was enough. I decided that if I committed to being with someone, I wanted to be with them. That meant, as few distractions as possible. I was pretty sure I was committed to that value and then one day, while I was practicing my new found habit of being present I was with some people I had met through social media. If anyone was going to be lenient about social behaviors and short attention spans, it was this group of people. Admittedly, I checked my social outlets a few times during our time out, but when one of the people I was with pulled out a phone charger and plugged it into the wall in the restaurant, so that they could keep texting and tweeting people that weren't with us, the dimmer switch went all the way to the top of the slide. The lights came on for me fully.



I was a bit shocked that this person didn't value the company of the people they were with enough to just let their phone die and be with the rest of us. I was a bit disgusted actually. And then I thought back to all the times I had done the same thing, or something similar.

If I, as someone exposed to social media, and a heavy user of the medium was appalled at this action of another, imagine how my family and friends felt when I halfheartedly participated in conversations and get togethers.

Since that night, I've done my best to be totally present with the people I am with. I admit, I am not perfect at this yet, but more often than not I leave my phone in my purse while out with the important people in my life. It's not always easy, especially when they reach for their phone to check what calls and emails they have missed, but I am trying.

If you are my friend or family member and are reading this, please know that I am conscious of this shortcoming of mine and I am working on it. I value your time. Time lost with my loved ones is time that can't be replaced.

I was at a seminar last week, and the facilitator shared this quote by Brian Dyson, the CEO of Coca-Cola.

"Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling some five balls in the air. You name them – work, family, health, friends and spirit and you’re keeping all of these in the air. You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. But the other four balls – family, health, friends and spirit are made of glass. If you drop one of these, they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged or even shattered. They will never be the same. You must understand that and strive for balance in your life. How?"

This has stuck with me ever since. It's so true.

It's important to take care of those glass balls. They are irreplaceable.