Scars

About 10 days ago, I was cooking dinner and I burnt my hand. It left a painful welt. I immersed it in cold water and "shook off" the pain, while carrying on with the food preparation.

Over the next few days, the burn scabbed over and was really unsightly. I just left it alone. I had a couple of people grab my hand to have a look and said "Oh wow. Doesn't that hurt?." Again, I brushed it off. I was tough. I mean, it was just a burn.

A few days ago, I realized it wasn't healing properly so I went and applied some antiseptic and a band-aid. Low and behold, it's beginning to heal. I might end up with a scar. At this point, it's hard to tell. I'm just pleased that the darkness of the scab has subsided and the injury is starting to itch, telling me that it's healing.

I was walking down the hall today and I looked down at my hand. I was suddenly struck by the thought of how incredible the human body is. It can heal itself if the proper attention is applied.

Within another 10 steps, I realized that our heart is part of that very human body that heals itself.

I paused to consider the bruises and scars that are on my heart.

I love with vigor. Be it loving friends, family or a significant other. In the beginning, it's almost as if I am going into battle. Like a warrior, nothing will stop me from penetrating another's heart and conquering it.

Looking back on my loves ( all of them, friends and family included) I can see how the "battle" continues long after the conquest and with it comes challenges, which I'll call stab wounds. These stab wounds disguise themselves as lies, betrayal, loss of trust, small hurts, jealousy, competition, insecurity and, sometimes, rejection.

Let me say this; not all relationships leave me bruised and battered. And even the ones that wound me are well worth the effort.

I've noticed, in the last 18 months or so, however, that I've been withdrawing my "troops" and backing off from the battlefield. This is because my heart has been injured. It's been scarred, burned, stabbed, whipped, and even torn from my chest cavity.

It's a horrible feeling to become someone that you don't recognize anymore. It's a horrible feeling to hold back love and generosity and to approach every new relationship with trepidation or indifference.

It's a horrible feeling to not feel.

As I was considering all of this, the elevator door opened. I walked in and pressed "Parking". Before I got to my destination, I had a very important realization.

To survive in life, we need to eat. Just because I burned my hand doesn't mean that I will stop preparing food for myself. I don't have a choice - in order to survive, I must eat. In order to eat, I must cook.

The same can be said for love. In order to survive in life, we need love. We need love from our family (blood or chosen), our friends, and our lovers.

I don't have a choice. In order to survive, I must love.

In order to love, I must bandage my heart and head back out on the battlefield.

Thirty Seven

I have been alive for 37 years today. I love my life. I appreciate getting older.

No, I'm not naive. I know that I am starting to look my age, but that doesn't matter to me as much as I'm realizing that I am finally growing into my own skin. I am always learning. It can be painful at times, but growing is painful. I don't think it ever stops. At least not for me.

I had a wonderful birthday today. I spent it doing things I enjoy with people that I love and respect.

On my way home, I reflected on some of the biggest lessons I have learned, in my life, thus far. I think many of my lessons have come by way of trial and error. Many of them were taught to me years ago, but I was only really ready to learn them in the past couple of years.

I remember a couple of lessons learned at a very young age. When I was 3 or 4 I learned that it isn't wise to put your open palm on a hot stove element. I can still smell the apricot ointment my mother lathered my hand with after that once in a life time lesson. I was 7 or 8 when my father taught me that scraping the food off my fork with my teeth was not ladylike. I thought he was being mean to me at the time. Now I am grateful for that lesson. Although important survival and social lessons, I have learned and implemented so many more equally important lessons into my life.

I think my priorities and realizations will change many times over the years, but at the moment, these are the 37 life lessons that I have learned and/or are working on.

My life is a work in progress.

Here is what I know, in no particular order:

37. I get what I focus and talk about. With complaints come more things to complain about. With appreciations come more things to appreciate. It's the easiest equation.

36. Never take anything another person does personally. Ever.

35. I will never hang my vision of self esteem or self worth on how a man treats me. Ever.

34. It's okay to love someone (friend, family member or lover) wholeheartedly, without ripping out my heart out of my chest and handing it to them.

33. It's okay for someone to love me wholeheartedly without ripping their heart out of their chest and handing it to me.

32. When someone gives me a compliment, it's okay to look them in the eye and say "Thank you". In fact, it's downright rude not to accept their compliment as anything but.

31. A phone call is ALWAYS better than a text message, facebook message or email.

30. A face to face meeting is ALWAYS better than a phone call.

29. I always have the appropriate people and circumstances in my life at any given time. Even the difficult ones.

28. It's okay to end friendships.

27. I am incredibly resilient. Even though I often dread change, I embrace it and excel.

26. Music is a life line to me. It's one of the most important elements to my existence and well being.

25. It's so much easier to take a moment to lift someone up than it is to focus energy on trying to bring them down.

24. People don't often "hear" me. I often feel invisible. I take full responsibility for this.

23. Social media has not improved my life. At all.

22. I am less sentimental than I used to be. However, I'm sentimental about how sentimental I used to be. ;)

21. Every one is a mirror for me to look into and see something in myself.

20. My boundaries have changed. I am asserting my boundaries. Not everyone will respect my boundaries. I need to release them from my life with love.

19. In judging others, I judge myself.

18. I am my own worst enemy. No one else could be harder on me than I am on myself.

17. Fights with loved ones are never about what we are actually fighting about. The incident that started the fight is simply the "hook" for a past hurt that needs healing.

16. I have a difficult time relating to people who make money or possessions a priority. People are far more valuable than any object or bank account balance.

15. I am very sensitive to other people's energy. I do my best to be aware of how my actions and energy affects others.

14. I am "black & white". My conviction comes from passion, but I could stand to learn to change my delivery.

13. Not everyone deserves my trust.

12. I don't require a lot of recognition from outside sources. I have a pretty good self-esteem. This took a lot of work and I'm proud of where I am in this regard.

11. I tend to neglect the people I love the most. They tend to make the most effort. This needs to change and become more balanced.

10. Saying "Thank you" is one of the best things you can say to someone. Asking them a question about themselves is also magical.

9. I tend to look for the best in everyone. I want everyone to have their best life.

8. Sleep is incredibly good for me.

7. I sleep well and with ease because I live my life in a way that makes me proud.

6. I put a lot of stock into what people say. I expect people to be congruent with their values and statements. When they are not, I am easily confused and disheartened.

5. Forgiveness is hard for me, but a necessary skill for me to perfect so that I can continue to grow.

4. Excuses are just another way of saying "no". It's important to be honest instead of making excuses. With myself and with others. I expect people to be honest with me.

3. I want fewer things in my life and more laughing and love.

2. I'm inflexible about the unimportant things and flexible about the important things. Often to my own detriment.

1. My life is beautiful as it is. My life was beautiful as it was. My life will be beautiful as it will be.