Alvin

Tonight I stopped at the gas station to pick up some pop. I waited in line while the gentleman behind the cash machine performed transactions with 3 people in front of me, I noticed that they just plopped their goods on the counter, waited for him to calculate the total, passed over their money, got their change, and walked away.

I decided to chat the guy up. His name was Alvin. He was so pleasant to me, even after being merely ignored by everyone else that he had served before me.

I asked if he'd grown up here - he looked familiar, actually - "No" he said "I'm from the Philippines"

"How long have you been in Canada, Alvin?", I asked.

"2 and a half years now. I applied to move to Australia, Canada and the U.S. Canada was the first country to accept me."

He went on to tell me how safe he felt here, and that he appreciated that if he did get in trouble, he could call 9-1-1 and someone would help him. He said he was glad he didn't live in the middle east - It wasn't safe there.

I learned that his wife and children were still in the Philippines.

It occurred to me that he wouldn't be tucking his children in tonight, or kissing his wife before rolling over and going to sleep. He must be lonely. His family must miss him terribly. They have each other, at least. He has no one that he can hug tenderly at night.

He moved to Canada to create a better life for his family. It's ironic that foreigners have to leave their families in order to improve their lives.

I thanked him for his time and went to my car. I got in and put my seatbelt on. I had to take several deep breaths to prevent me from crying. I felt so damn sad in that moment. Then I got mad.

I'm mad that so many of the people I know bitch about the little things in their lives. They go home and complain to their spouse or their parents. They go and take their bad mood out on their innocent children. At least they can hug their children and say "I'm sorry". At least they can hug their spouse and say "I love you."

Alvin can't do that right now. One day, if he's lucky. But not now. And still he smiles and doesn't complain.

It also brings me back to the current situation in Japan. With that frightening and heartbreaking disaster occurring there, we have no basis for complaining that our PVR didn't tape our favorite show, or that the pizza delivery guy forgot to give us napkins. We waste food, we waste time, we waste away. It's so sad that so many of us waste our lives being ungrateful and unmotivated.

I'm going to go talk to Alvin more often. I think he has a lot of valuable things to share with and teach me.

Happy "Prove your love to me" Day!

I remember when Valentines day was fun. Our teacher would send home a list of everyone boy and girl in our class, so that come Valentine's day no one would be left out of a getting a card. Occasionally, a few people would get more than others, but rarely did one person get excluded entirely. I think that was in grade 3.

Things have changed.

Now, it's more common than not for people to be excluded and feel lonely on this ridiculous made up "Hallmark" holiday.

I'm not writing this because I'm single and just generally have a hate-on for Valentine's day. That's because I'm married. I'm writing this because there are a bunch of women out there that need a wake up call.

I'm not writing this to tell you to stop celebrating your Hallmark holiday. I'm just wanting people to think about it a bit.

Yes, I know there are men out there that love Valentines day as much as the women. Come on guys, put up your hands!

*crickets*

Look, celebrate your love for eachother on Valentine's day.

Let me repeat that.

Celebrate.Your.Love.For.Eachother.On.Valentine's.Day.

Notice I didn't say "Prove your love for eachother on Valentine's day"?

Let's pull out the key words : Celebrate. Love. Eachother.

Yes, people, in case things have changed, love is a 2 way street.

Expecting your man to make you breakfast in bed, call you 16 times, Send you a dozen perfect roses from the most expensive florist in town - at the precisely perfect time so you can rub it in your co-workers face, take you for an expensive lunch, pick you up from work wearing a heart endorned scarf to take you for dinner at a 5 star restaurant only to come home to a flower petal trail to a hot bubble bath and 3 hours of lovemaking, and then pulling a hissy fit if he doesn't celebrate Valentine's day or PROVE HIS LOVE to you, to your exact specifications, isn't love.

Oops. I forgot the giant card that he rushed out to buy at 11 o'clock on Sunday night so that he'd avoid the wrath of you.

Putting men in a position to fail isn't love.

Men are different than us romantic, sentimental creatures. Some men are natural romantics. Some aren't. Stop forcing the issue.

I don't want my partner to hand me a valentine's gift with that "deer in the headlights" aka "Did I buy the right thing, Oh my god, please don't melt down on me" look in his eyes.

I want my partner to love me everyday. He doesn't have to buy me a tacky heart shaped pendant with diamond dust sprinkled all around it from Kay's Jewelers to prove it. I don't expect him to spend 3x on flowers for one day when the next he could spend what those flowers are worth.

The only thing I expect him to spend is his time. Not just on Valentine's day. Every day.

Stop specifying how love looks. It's one day! Grow up!

And while I'm on the subject, to you women that throw a hissy fit about the engagement ring your future spouse has presented you with : Smarten up.

You don't like the ring he gave you? Here's a newsflash : If he bought it for you without pissing his shorts in fear, and asked you to marry him without passing out in fear, I'd say that's a pretty big accomplishment. Oh, and what did you buy him? Was it worth 2 months of salary?

I heard about a woman who hated her engagement ring so much that she threw it out of a moving vehicle.

What you do with the love you're given says a lot about you.

Stop dictating how you think love looks. Love looks the way your partner is capable of showing you. Let's stop scaring the crap out of our lovers, shall we?

Be grateful.

Meet me in the Middle

I've always gone out of my way for people. I was a pleaser as a child and brought that into adulthood with me. I'm less of a pleaser now, although I'm still compelled to help my friends out, or accommodate a client to ensure they are satisfied with my service. But, more and more, I am becoming less satisfied. Less pleased.

I looked at my odometer the other day and was astonished at how many miles I've put on my car this year. I use my car for work, so it's not entirely a surprise, but I got to thinking tonight about the last time a friend came to visit me. I'm always out and about and tend to make things easy for people by driving across the city to see them. I make things easy for my clients by making sure they are most comfortable when we are meeting. I don't want to inconvenience anyone.

I've been in a very happy place lately and I've noticed that as a result I'm feeling a bit smothered lately. Or rather, grabbed at, if that makes sense. I feel like some people see me opening up and are wanting some of whatever they see glowing out of me. The natural response for me in that situation is to retreat. And that is what I feel I am doing.

No, I'm not depressed. No, I'm not being a hermit. I just have decided that if my friends want me to continue to go out of my way for them, I'm going to need them to meet me in the middle. Literally and figuratively.

I know it's not proper to give with the expectation of getting back, but I'm there. My emotional bank is full but I've restricted who gets to make withdrawals. There seems to be a discrepancy amongst the checks and balances. And because I've been letting everyone take out the same amount, I haven't been depositing the proper amounts into the emotional banks of the people most deserving of my time, love, and generosity. I'm not going to stop giving or being me, because I can't help that. But I am very aware of who is abusing my good nature.

I had a friend call upon me the other night. He never asks for help and I was more than happy to assist him. Then he apologized for imposing upon me. For one thing, he could ask me for help every day for the rest of his life and I would help him. Because I know he would do the same for me.

Here's the thing: The friends that I help or cater to the most, don't seem to appreciate it. And they are the ones who expect the most from me.

Remember that old saying "You teach people how to treat you"?

Well, I'm about to change up the curriculum.

Patterns

Awhile ago, I updated my facebook with this:

"Some people's patterns are like the fabrics that make up Don Cherry's suits : Obvious and screaming "Look at me! I'm making a statement!". You may not like what's being said, but even if you turn down the volume, that fabric is still staring you in the face".

I typically get a lot of comments on my facebook statuses and that one was pretty much ignored. I suspect because people didn't understand my point. I do have a lot of American friends, and Don Cherry is a Canadian icon, so I can understand the Yankees not getting it, but I also think it's a bit ambiguous or simply doesn't make sense. So, let me explain....

If you were born in Canada, and if you have a pulse, chances are that when you were young you were introduced to "Hockey Night In Canada", our weekly Saturday night fill of NHL Hockey. It's been a Canadian institution and has been for, what seems like, forever. Don Cherry's "Coach's Corner" is a staple of that broadcast. Between the 1st and 2nd periods, Don and his right hand man, Ron Maclean, discuss hockey. Or, rather, Don basically shares his very sharp and one sided opinion about what is going on in hockey. All the while, wearing the most outrageous custom made suits. Some people love Don and his outspoken opinions, other people dislike him. People that like him ( like me) stop what they are doing and watch/listen to Don for that brief time. Others mute his segment. His outspoken personality is predictable (although not always what he says) and his suits are always outrageous (even though they are never the same).

Here's the thing; People can mute his segment, but even if they catch it for a second and change the channel they usually catch a glimpse of Don's very loud suits. They make their own statement. You can try to ignore them, but week after week, there they are: demanding to be noticed.

What does this have to do with people's patterns?

When you get to know someone quite well, or have the pleasure/displeasure of associating with them often, you pick up on their patterns. Perhaps they are always late. Maybe they embellish details every time they tell a story. Some people have addictive personalities and predictable patterns of abuse/remorse/manipulation. Others are incongruent with what they say vs. what they do. Either way, we all have patterns.

Those of us who recognize the patterns in others, yet allow them to continue also have a pattern of allowing that to happen against our better judgment.

I'm a big observer of patterns. I have mine memorized. I often don't recognize them until I'm in full on "pattern" mode, but I do see them. When others see them, and point out my flaws, I'm grateful. I try to take that input and adjust my patterns accordingly, if it's for the better (which it usually is).

I see them in others all the time too. And I file them away in my memory bank for future reference.

Lately I have been withdrawing those references and putting them together like a puzzle - or if we are still using the Don Cherry example - like a suit.

I take the recurring behavior that I see in someone and lay it out on the table. I piece it together with other indications of the same behavior from that person and piece by piece, the entire fabric of the situation starts to show me the entire picture, or suit, if you will.

Sometimes it's a beautiful suit and it fits me. It's made of beautiful fabric, has a nice texture, and is incredibly comfortable. There might be a few loose buttons or a snag here or there, but those flaws never ruin the integrity of the suit. In many cases, they add character.

Other times, I find that the suit doesn't quite fit. It may have, at one point. Or, I may simply have been in denial mode. (We all have a pair of jeans sitting in the closet that we are saving for a time when we were the size we used to be) Let's face it, sometimes I've grown and I've changed and those jeans or that suit just don't fit me the same way. Maybe the fabric is outdated. Perhaps the zipper is broken. Or, it could just be that the fabric is plain old ugly and I'm not even sure what compelled me to add that garment to my closet.

Lately, I've been cleaning out my closet. For some garments ( people ) I have simply shuffled them around the closet to the "less often worn" section, and other pieces have been entirely removed. Some outfits need some extra TLC and they are put aside for further care and mending. And, yes, some are put in the "When I change back to who I was" pile.

Here's the deal. I'm not going to change back to who I was. It's impossible. I'm on a fast-paced journey at the moment. And my new fabric is bright, light and comfortable. The items in the "when I change back..." pile are usually tight and constricting and often give me "muffin top".

The people in my life who are incongruent in their behavior, or the ones who aren't ready to get real and update their fabric are going to be left behind. And they will likely be paired up with separates, in someone else's closet, that compliment them. And that's okay.

If you are in my life, I'm watching you. Mostly because I love you, and I love having you in my life. I love watching human behavior in action.

I'm not judging, I'm just noticing.

And just as I know I'm not fooling you, or hiding my patterns from you, I can't be fooled either.

Being Grateful Every Day

Today was one of those days that for every 3 things that happened good, 1 not so good thing happened. It's so easy to stay stuck on the not so good stuff - it seems to be human nature. I think for me when not so good things happen they really sting, and believe it or not, I'm fairly sensitive. I really take things to heart. For some reason, I often let these things overshadow the good, and I've decided that I am no longer prepared to do that.

So, each night before bed I will journal and record the things I'm grateful for. Tonight I share with you because I believe that the goodness of others should be recognized and shared, no matter how small their contribution to my gratefulness.

This morning, I took my car in to the body shop to get repaired ( a woman had hit my car, and instead of driving away, she took responsibility so for that I have been grateful) and the rental car company was already at the shop waiting to take me and a gentleman to the rental agency. The gentleman sat in the back and allowed me to have the front seat. He was very friendly and it was obvious he was kind. He laughed often during our very short commute. When we got to the rental agency, I insisted he go first as he was technically before me. We were both served very quickly and the girl at the counter said "I'm sorry we don't have anything as nice as what you are both driving. I only have these 2 cars available - a Ford Fusion and a Dodge Charger. Who wants what?". I cringed inside when I heard about the Charger. It's an entirely inappropriate car for me to drive in my profession. (I guess I could be grateful it wasn't a PT Cruiser). However, my parents taught me about being polite and being fair, so I insisted again that he choose. He insisted that I choose first. So, I took him up on it. "Are you sure?" I asked. "Absolutely" he said. I then explained that the Fusion would be a more appropriate car for me to drive this week, and it was settled. He grinned and when I triple checked that choice was okay with him, he assured me with his words, his smile and his eyes. He wasn't lying.

So, today I am grateful that there are gentlemen in the world. They may be a dying breed, but they exist. I met one today. Aside from being a gentleman, he was a sincere, happy human being. I'm grateful for that too.

I carried on my day and was next served by a very helpful receptionist at a management company. This NEVER happens, so I am doubly grateful for that experience.

I'm also incredibly grateful for the friend I leaned on today. I am very choosy with whom I share my deepest worries and fears, and today I needed help. My friend was there for me. He was straight up and unbiased. Not many people are brave enough to be that way with me. I really appreciate his outlook on my situation. Moreover, I appreciate his friendship. I hope he knows this.

I am appreciative that the traffic was light on my long drive across town to see a client, and then to my friend's home.

I am glad and grateful that their home is always so peaceful, at least when I am there. I feel safe and welcome.

I'm grateful that the clients I met with this evening after my long drives came and met me in the lobby of their building instead of just buzzing me in.

I'm grateful to be typing this right now while listening to my favorite music.

I can't even recall the not so good things that happened today.

Oh, I almost forgot! One of my colleagues told me he thought I was still in my 20's. I'm 36. It's safe for you to assume that I'm grateful for that compliment today too.

It was a great day.

If you were part of my day in any way, I appreciate you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

My Music List -2010

Everyone has a Top Ten list of the best albums out, which actually was deterring me from posting one of my own. I was also aggravated and a bit intimidated by the lists that almost seemed like they were created by music intellects that were trying to one-up the general public by showcasing the fact that they have heard bands no one else has. I'm not into showing off or proving I know more than anyone else about music. However, as I am one to always have an opinion and I feel that there is some amazing music out there that needs to be heard, I'm here to share my take on all things great and music, in my life, in 2010.

I am not in the music industry, so to speak, so I won't preach to you about the BEST albums, because quite frankly I don't feel I'm professionally qualified to do so. I do, however, have an ear for music and happily share what I like with others. I actually don't decide what music I like; my ears, heart and soul do. So without further ado, these are the albums that got the most love from me and my speakers this year:

Eminem - Recovery

I've always been a fan of Eminem the artist and Marshall the person, so I was anxiously awaiting this album and it did not disappoint. I appreciate his journey and even how emotionally charged all of his albums have been. The fact that is and has been sober for some time, only adds to the depth of this album and his experience, in my opinion. I didn't even mind the collaborations with overplayed singers like Rhianna and P!nk. Those songs included, this whole album is awesome from start to finish. Do yourself a favor and do some research of your own on Eminem/Marshall Mathers. He is intelligent & talented beyond measure.

The National - High Violet

It seems this album is on everyone's list, and deservedly so. This entire effort got constant play on my list since it's addition to my library. It actually made me feel like a deep red wine, nicely aged with a pleasant aftertaste (forgive me, but music often heightens all of my senses and I think in pictures, taste and smells). This album just jumped inside me and made it impossible for me to turn off. I do have to be in a certain mood to listen to the whole thing in it's entirety-especially the most played song "Sorrow". It's a bit darker and richer than a lot of albums out there, and deserves ones full attention when listening.

The Coppertone - Hidden Dreams

"Holy f*ck" is all I can say about this album. My friend Ira, at ExploreMusic messaged me and said "You have to buy this album. Now". I'm so glad I listened to him. I haven't stopped listening to this album since I bought it. My only regret is finding out about it in December, when in fact it was released in the early summer months of this year. I think my recommendation of the album on a music blog I write for said it best for me "I'm so excited about this album that I really want it to speak for itself, but I'm curious to know if lead Amanda Zelina's dirty rock blues voice pulls you in and takes you to the misty forests of the deep south with swamps and canopied trees surrounded by fog. That's what this entire album does to my soul. It's raw and rich". This is my favorite album of the year. Hands down.

Sharon Jones & The Dap Kings - I Learned the Hard Way

Perhaps an unusual addition to anyone's list, but my love of Sharon Jones made it almost a given that anything she and the Dap-Kings released this year would be on my favorites list. They have managed to create/carry on the authentic sounds of the funk/soul of the 60s/70s, by using analogue equipment and instruments from the time period of the 60s/70s. It's just a fun album-I would actually recommend anything on the Daptone label if this type of music is up your alley.

Massive Attack - Heliogoland

I've been listening to Massive Attack since the early 90's and was actually skeptical that they could endure and excite this long. To say I was pleasantly surprised is an understatement. Every time I listen to this album I hear something new in it. It continues to captivate and please my eardrums.

Editors - In this Light and On this Evening

Different and dark at times, this album was in heavy rotation for me this year. I've enjoyed all of their albums and this album is consistently "Editors" while adding a more electronic sound, which I feel differentiates them from the masses, particularly in a year where so many similar sounding bands had releases. The title song is the most loved in my collection from this band.

Melissa Auf Der Maur - Out of our Minds

Yes, I have a girl crush on Melissa, so in my eyes she can do no wrong, but this album which showcases her unique voice and amazing guitar and bass skills. A fellow Canadian, she was a member of Hole for 6 years and a joined the Smashing Pumpkins for their farewell tour. Anyway, she's hot, and so is this album. Heavy on the guitar....Two thumbs up from me.

Honorable mentions:

John Butler Trio-"April Uprising", Grace Potter & The Nocturnals - "Grace Potter & The Nocturnals", David Gray - "Foundling". Of course, I could not consider myself a true Metallica fan if I didn't include "Live at Grimey's" which I've only heard on mp3 but am anxiously awaiting my limited edition clear vinyl 2 album set which is enroute as I type this!

I must admit, there were some albums that I just didn't get this year. Lots of hype and equal amounts of disappointment. I sometimes think that people think an album is good because they are told it is. I really can't think of any other explanation. In any event, I refrained from listing the albums I thought were highly over rated because I recognize that we all have different taste in music. That's what makes life, music and human beings so darn interesting.

Happy New Year.

All I want for Christmas

I'm pretty sure I'm allergic to "stuff". I'm serious.

It's gotten so bad that I shudder and nearly break out in hives when my esthetician will offer to give me something as simple as the nail file that was barely used for my nail service, merely because I simply do not want another thing in my possession.

Which leads me to this whole Christmas thing. I'm a generous person by nature, and anyone who knows me well understands that I like to do things that are my idea...not because I am expected to. That is why I have a hate/hate relationships with all Hallmark holidays. I'm not religious, so Christmas is just another consumer/Hallmark holiday for me.

I'm not trying to take away from the joy that giving and receiving brings each and every one of us. I just do not get any joy in things.

When I grew up, we weren't really wealthy and Christmas, Birthdays and other important events were fun because my mom and dad would each get me one very nice gift and some other essentials. I don't remember ever demanding gifts or expecting them. I appreciated everything I was given. And I loved to give. I still do.

As an adult, I've managed to accumulate a bunch of stuff. Piles and piles of useless stuff. When I look at it all, I imagine it would make incredible kindling. It's absolutely meaningless to me. The only thing it represents is all the hard work I've done and the time I've spent working, in the past 16 years....often at the peril of my personal relationships.

My husband and I were talking and both agree that some of our happiest days together were when we were dirt poor. We had no other choice than to snuggle up on our (only) couch and watch our crappy 19" TV. We struggled financially for a few years and then became financially successful. And then we filled our house with crap.

I imagine what it would be like not to have the burden of all of this stuff. I imagine it would be incredibly liberating. In fact, I have been purging our things and it feels tremendous. Next year for me will be the year of cleansing. Less things, More people.

Back to Christmas. As I mentioned, I am not religious. I used to attend church on Christmas Eve with my grandparents or the Italian friends I grew up with....mostly because I enjoy singing and the company of my family and friends. That tradition passed when my grandparents did, and when my friend Luke got married. I cherish those times together. Notice there is nothing tangible in that experience other than perhaps a hug shared between loved ones.

Because I'm not religious, and because I don't worship possessions any more, Christmas holds a different meaning. I'm sorry if I appear jaded, but I just really don't want to participate in the exchange of things any more. They hold no meaning to me when they are given to me, and unless they are heartfelt and thought out, they hold no meaning when they are given by me. I'm sorry, but that's the truth. I also think it's sad that people go into debt at this time to the year to prove they love someone, or worse, because they are expected to give a gift to someone for whatever reason.

However, in trying to keep the true spirit of the season, I've thought about what I want for Christmas, and have come up with this list. If you must do something for me this Christmas, please consider the following;

- Shut off your computer & your cell phone and sit down with someone you love, look in their eyes and really listen to them. 5 minutes. That's all I ask.

- When at the drive thru at Tim Horton's or Starbucks, pay for the coffee of the person behind you. It's a small price to pay to make someone feel special. You don't know what kind of day or life they are having...that could be a game changer for them.

- Go visit your grandparents. If they aren't alive, go visit someone else's grandparents. Ask them lots of questions. Write their answers down. One day those words on a page will be all you have of them, but that one hour of your undivided attention and your genuine interest in them will mean the world.

- Make dinner for your parents. Sit at the dinner table. Talk. Laugh. THANK them for being your parents.

- Read your child, or someone else's, a story. Hug them. Ask them about your day. Look them in the eye. They are watching you. Make a good example.

- Volunteer your time. Offer your services through Big Brothers/Sisters, go serve a meal at the homeless shelter, become a mentor, shovel your elderly neighbor's walk.

- Write someone a letter. On paper. With a pen. Address the envelope by hand. Put a stamp on it. Mail it.

-Instead of texting someone, pick up the phone and call them. Sometimes people just need to hear your voice.

- Be kind. Be humble. Be generous with your time.

That is all I want for Christmas.

Winter Ranter

I live in Western Canada.

We have 4 seasons here: Spring, Summer, Fall and WINTER.

I've lived here all my life.

And guess what?! We get winter EVERY YEAR. I honestly can't remember a year that winter didn't come and stay for 4-5 months.

So, I ask my fellow Canadians; Why are you so surprised that it's a bit chilly out at this time of year? Were you born last night? I suspect not.

There was a western conference final today in our city for the CFL ( for those of you below the 49th parallel, that stands for Canadian Football League - which I actually prefer over the NFL but that's a different subject) Anyway, people were selling their tickets today because it was "too cold". Here's a newsflash: -15c is NOT too cold. It's just cold. Stop whining.

Talking about the weather is such a boring subject. Mostly because no matter how much you bitch and moan about it, it's not going to change. Winter is the "Monday" of seasons in Canada.

That said, let's stop bitching about Monday too.

Lovely

I woke up this morning, looked outside into the snowy street, made my way downstairs to feed the cats and grab a cup of tea. I opened up my twitter and saw a few really beautiful messages referencing me as well as one from a friend who was checking in. My heart warmed. I then opened my facebook and found an unexpected message from a friend I've recently reconnected with. Her message was in perfect timing with what I needed. My heart warmed some more. Then onto email where I found yet another message from my surrogate dad - "Pops", I call him. All the loving thoughts I received this morning were enough to make my heart explode with happiness.

I think about others all the time. I don't always tell them. I should.

What surprised me is that I don't think others think about me very often. Today proved me wrong. So, I want to thank all of the people who think of me and tell me. I also want to thank those people who think of me and don't tell me.

Today I walked around in the hug of your thoughts. Thank you for keeping me warm.

Short & Sweet

I'm overtired and a bit grumpy. So, what better time than to figure out what I'm grateful for?

Today I'm grateful for the following;

-The beauty of the first snowfall, and the fact that I have a warm winter jacket and cozy boots.

-When I come home, I am always greeted by at least one of my cats. It's nice to be loved unconditionally.

-Music. Always Music. All ways Music.

-My husband's quick wit. We laugh a lot.

-The trust of my friends. This is something I cherish immensely.

-Not having to be anywhere tomorrow morning.

-My bed, which is beckoning me.

Goodnight.

On GRANDparents

Grandparents are aptly named. They are Grand. At least mine were.

I have 3 sets of Grandparents: My father's parents, My mother's father and his 2nd wife ( the only surviving Grandparent I have left) and My mother's mother and husband.

I had a very special bond with my paternal Grandmother, even though I rarely saw her. She made great efforts to be connected to me. The mother of 6 boys, she was the ultimate care-giver. I lost her the summer before I began grade 4. I was devastated. My grandfather, her husband, had passed away when I was too small to be adversely affected. I do wish I had known him better.

My mom's father and 2nd wife were great to me too. I spent a great deal of my time with them when I was a young girl. My fondest memories of their house was my uncle's bedroom and his gerbils. I was fascinated with those rodents. My grandma also collected those Avon perfumes: the women whose torso came off to dispense the potent perfume inside. I also vividly remember those Christmas tree icicles that lit up and had liquid in them. Remember those? My surviving grandma is 84 and we just attended a wedding together - she was dancing up a storm. She's an absolute treasure.

The Grandparents I was the closest to were my Mom's mother and her husband. I spent every summer of the first 12 years of my life with them in hot, dry Saskatchewan where grandpa had 2 farms and a barber business, while grandma ran a successful accounting firm. I made really good friends there, learned to swim, had my first crush on a boy, and even started grade 1 there because my local school board was on strike that year.

These Grandparents were young when they started caring for me in the summer. I think they were in their mid/late 40s. But they were always young at heart. Grandma played the piano by ear, and Grandpa played in a polka band. They loved to dance. He never had any children of his own, so I held a special place in his heart. I felt more like a daughter to him than a granddaughter. He wrote me a song on his accordion - to this day, I regret not recording it or having him write it down. It saddens me to know I will never hear it again. I can't even remember what it sounds like. Their love of music was part of the glue that bonded them, as well as their love of laughter. I loved being with them. My grandma was a tremendous woman. There are no words to describe her that do her enough justice.

I feel like I knew all of these people quite well, but I could have known them better. I regret that I will never have the chance. I have to savor the memories of all of my Grandparents.

Last summer I had a dream about my Grandpa from Saskatchewan and my Dad's mother. It turns out it was a night that was right in the middle of the dates that they both passed away. I couldn't sleep so I got up and wrote this down....

Grandpa

A vision of you woke me

on the eve

of your death's anniversary

And with it

all of my memories

of you

So dignified, you were

Farmer's arms

Sparkling eyes, trouble maker

Wax paper sandwiches

and chocolate bars

in your worn metal lunchbox

Harvest Time

My sundress

complimented by your rubber boots

12 sizes too big

The dusty streets of the hamlet,

Playing marbles in the church pews,

The song you wrote for me

We were bonded

Not by blood

Yet, thicker than blood

You fell in your field

onto your bread and butter

Dignity lost

You disappeared before our eyes

Buried next to wheat sheafs

Dignity regained

Summer fallow

Luckenbooth, Mizpah & Love

From what I've been told, my heritage consists of English, Scottish and Norwegian. The evidence is certainly bountiful regarding the Norwegian heritage on my Mother's side. Both of her siblings, and ALL of their children ( and most grandchildren ) are very fair skinned, with almost white blonde hair. I got my thick dark hair and olive skin from my Father's side of the family. They are all dark haired descendants of the English, for the most part. The Scot heritage is my maternal grandmother's offering, even though her Norwegian heritage shone through most in the looks department.

I was inspired by a friend to write about a piece of jewellery that I had been given and it's significance. I went to my jewellery cabinet and retrieved a very pretty brooch I had been given by my great aunt on my mother's side. In the same small box I also found, wrapped in delicate tissue, a brooch my father had given me, which had come to me through his mother.

Until tonight, I had never really realized the significance of them both being held in the same box. Both of my Grandmothers have passed away. Both of them were incredibly special to me.

The brooch I originally went to retrieve is called a Luckenbooth. My great aunt gave it to me when I was about 11 years old. I wear it from time to time and it always makes me feel close to my maternal
grandmother. I suspect this piece is not an antique, but it holds meaning deeper because it came to me through 2 beautiful women.

Research tells me that the brooches were so called because they were sold from the locked booths on the Royal Mile adjacent to St. Giles Cathedral in Edinburgh, Scotland as early as the 1700s. Traditionally, these brooches were exchanged at marriage, and often put away until the first child was born. Although mine doesn't have these words inscribed "of earthly joys thou art my choice", the intention of the brooch is evident.

The other brooch in my cherished collection is a Mizpah brooch. My father gave it to me several years ago, along with many of his mother's possessions. I admired it, but have never worn it because I
recognized it was an antique. I'd hate to lose it, more so because it belonged to my paternal grandmother, and perhaps her own grandmother. The original pieces date back between 1889-1925. Of course, I treasure this one not because it's antique, but because it is a part of my family. On one side of the brooch ( which appears to have been a locket at one time) it says "Mizpah", the other, engraved by hand, reads "The Lord watch between me and thee when we are absent from one another". Although used mostly in the Victorian era when lovers were separated, they reemerged during WW1 when soldiers went away to war.

Unfortunately, I don't know the full history of either brooch in my possession, but this post has inspired my father and I to find out more about the history of ownership of the Mizpah brooch. I'm very excited. It gives us a chance to delve deeper into our history, and of the women in our past.

I am intrigued that these brooches, lying together in the same box, offer the same meaning on slightly different parallels. They are very romantic symbols. One for bringing lovers together, One for keeping
lovers safe while apart.

Tonight I will go to bed feeling closer to both of my wonderful Grandmothers, whom I miss very much.

Just a thought.....

Some people come into our lives to teach us a lesson

Others come in to enlighten us.

Some people teach us the lesson we need to learn, then they leave....

Others enlighten us, then they leave.

Some people stay and bear witness to the lesson, often learning something valuable from us....

Others stay and enlighten us, and are enlightened, over and over again.

Some people stay forever because they are the lesson....

Others stay forever because they are the light.

Copyright - Lana Wright 2010

The value of an opinion

In my profession, people pay me for my opinion and advice. Most of the time they take what I am saying and put my suggestions in motion. When I'm asked for advice or my opinion, my approach at work is to provide valuable information and hope that my clients take advantage of my experience.

Regardless, sometimes they do the exact opposite ( which is usually what they wanted to do anyway).

My parents are guilty of this too. They are in their golden years and I find that some of our roles are changing. I have opportunities to help them out, mostly by providing contacts or information I have that will save them time and money.

They usually do what they want.

This ticks me off. Rather, it DID. Until yesterday.

I'm in the market for a set of drums, so I polled my musician friends and people that I follow on Twitter who are musicians for their opinions. I received many opinions from experienced musicians. I sing and have piano experience, but in no way do I feel qualified to make an informed decision about a drum purchase.

Many brand names and suggestions on what to look for were gratefully received.

Before I move on, here is something that may be helpful to know about me: I really don't like to follow the status quo. I like to be unique and have unique things. For instance, when I bought my last car, I chose a Saab. At that time, very few people drove a Saab. So, even though I did my research and asked opinions of others, I had decided in advance that I was buying a Saab.

The same happened with the drums. I did some research and decided that I wanted to be different in this instance too. Go figure.

I found a brand that is well made, but not mainstream anymore. And before I got to the music store to look at them, I had already decided that was what I wanted. My best buddy, who is a drummer, approved initially so I felt pretty brilliant for coming up with this idea on my own. When I discovered that the kit wasn't to the precise specs I'd been told to look for, I waned for only a moment. I called my best bud and with this new information, he altered his endorsement. I considered it. For about a fraction of a second. :)

I left the store, without the drums, feeling a bit disappointed. My husband is helping me out and he took me ( very reluctantly ) to another store with many more brands of drums. The one set that caught my eye is made for a very well known and popular manufacturer ( out of the price range I wanted to spend), but if you know me, you'd know that it would be difficult for me to choose the popular choice. (I'm difficult, I know :) So, I looked around and had a few other options to choose from. The gent (a very accomplished drummer) helping me out told me to "buy whatever the fuck you want". He works on commission and told me the truth, or at least validated my position. Even though I won't likely buy my first drum kit from him, he will get my business for as long as he is in the business. I'll buy all of my accessories from him, and likely my next kit.

What is the value of an opinion? Well, it's just that. And everyone has one. If you ask for an opinion, listen to the answer and consider it. If you're asked for your opinion, don't take it personally if the person asking you does something different. It's human nature.

So, after all of that I've decided to go with my choice. After all, it was my idea.

:)

That's Life

I have the best intentions. For example, I signed up for NaBloPoMo and had every intention of blogging everyday.

I went 11 days without fail. But last night, I intended to post from my friend's house. When I got there I discovered that there was something incredibly serious happening in their family. Therefore, it was more important for me to be present and assist in any way I could than it was to blog. This is especially true for me since I write so much about being "present" and in the moment. I have to honor my values.

So, if I understand the rules of NaBloPoMo, I think I'm disqualified from winning any prizes or accolades, but that isn't the reason I'm participating.

I've challenged myself to continue on blogging for the rest of November and let the chips fall where they may.

That's life.

Love People, not things

"Love people, not things; use things, not people. "
— Spencer W. Kimball

I was talking to my husband today about how spoiled we are as a generation. As soon as the newest technology comes out, we all have to be the first person to have said new thing. And by "we", I really mean, everyone but me and a few select others. I'm serious. I think I used to be a collector of things, until I realized they serve no valuable purpose for me. It's not important to me to have the latest and greatest. I find pleasure in the things that I have. And more importantly, the people in my life.

I'm not sure when we became a throw away society, but people replace things in their life without having used up the full potential of item. For example, people rush out to get the new version of their cellphones while their current one is still in good condition. I think the same is true for the way we treat eachother sometimes.

We've started collecting people too. People focus on how many friends they have on Facebook and how many followers they have on Twitter. What is really more important is how you treat those friends or followers, or the ones dearest to you.

I think it's time we focused on Quality in our lives, not quantity.

Today is Remembrance day in Canada. And whether you support war or not, (I don't - at least not the current wars) people died believing they were doing so for our freedom. They perished so that we could have the latest and greatest iPhones. They died so we could talk to our friends on Facebook instead of spending time with them in real life.

Does that make you proud?

I'm sure not proud of that.

I'm going to ensure that I continue to try to focus on people and not things.

Won't you too?

Just Kidding

I love to laugh. I enjoy a good joke. To me, a good joke is intelligent, crafty, smart, clever. I also get a kick out of laughing at myself, and respect people who can laugh at themselves. I mean, let's face it, human beings are ridiculous sometimes, and can be ridiculously funny.

I do not appreciate jokes that are not funny. Especially those that are made at the expense of someone else. I'm not talking about jokes made about celebrities or certain pop-culture events or icons. I'm talking most specifically about passive-aggressive jokes. You know the ones....Bill says to Sarah "Nobody likes you. Haha, just kidding." or in email, text or social media form when someone laces a subtle insult with a winky face to pretend they are just kidding.

You know what? That is the lowest form of humor, in my opinion. One has to feel pretty shitty about themselves to use passive aggressive humor.

I have a large extended family. Some of my married-in family use passive aggressive humor at every family event we attend. Everything is an insult followed by a "just kidding". The interesting dynamic in this part of my extended family is the jealousy and score-keeping amongst the siblings. It's obvious to those of us who are not an original part of that family, but it still makes us uncomfortable to be around. I've even avoided social gatherings with this part of the family because I don't appreciate being around people who are so rude to one another. The people using this type of "humor" are some of the saddest, most envy driven and insecure people I have ever met. I think these types of character traits are a common thread through people that use P.A humor.

Here's a news bulletin for ya: the winky face/"just kidding" doesn't undo the damage of your insult, nor does it let you off the hook.

Think about it. You've been insulted. Immediately the person who lobbed the insult at you says "Just kidding!" How do you feel? Do you feel relieved that they were just kidding? I kind of doubt it...I bet that you're still feeling the sting of the insult. The damage is done and the perpetrator got to do what they intended: insulted you without the guilt.

I believe that if you thought enough to insult someone publicly, you meant it. Being all cute about it afterwards does not exonerate your bad behaviour. It's especially obvious when you continually insult someone and always follow it up with a "winky face".

The bottom line is that if you use this type of humor, you're a bit of an asshole. Keep your insults to yourself.

You're not funny.

And, I'm not kidding.

Energized

I went to bed last night feeling rather sick, and woke up feeling the same way.

I didn't have time to be sick today, though. I had 2 appointments I'd been looking forward to for so long. The first was my very first drum lesson, which was fantastic. The second was an appointment with a world renowned "energy worker" whom I see once a year. If I didn't see him today, I would have had to wait until next year. Missing that wasn't even an option for me.

So, I worked with my energy twice today. I moved my energy while discovering the very early stages of drumming-and of course I've attracted the perfect teacher for my lessons. He's awesome. He's starting me at the very, very, very beginning. For someone who likes to jump into things head first, I thought this would be hard, but I found it incredibly relaxing and stress-free. It felt good for the energy in my body to dictate how a sound would come out as an extension of my arms and legs into a drum beat. It was a very cool first step for me.

I also moved energy with my friend, Norman, the energy worker. I feel comfortable calling him my friend. Anyone who can look at you and know almost precisely what is going on for you is a friend in my books. I suppose the proper description was that I allowed him to move my energy. But, I'll take some credit for that too. Again, for someone who is usually ansty with a mind that goes 100 miles an hour, you'd think it hard for me to lie still for 45 minutes in silence. Again, I found this experience utterly magnificent and relaxing. The touch applied is very subtle, but it's different that having someone touch you in your regular routine of life. This touch is applied with love and intention and therefore often moves things in me which I regularly hold down or hide. Again, I call Norman a friend because I can be completely vulnerable with him and it's not shameful to have feelings about what is going on in your body. Rather, it's liberating and beautiful. He favored my right knee, which has been bothering me for about 9 months. I hadn't told him about this pain, because I had actually forgotten about it until he spent a good portion of our session applying his energy to it (I also usually focus on telling him what is going on for me emotionally, not physically before we begin). I only asked him about it afterwards and he said that there was an energy block around my knee. I'm sure even skeptics of energy work would have a hard time disputing that we are energetic creatures and when we are sick or hurt, it shows up energetically. Anyway, it was a great session and I was present for the entire experience which I am proud of my busy brain for allowing me to do.

Despite being a bit under the weather today, I really feel like today was one of the best that I've had in a long time.

I'm Energized again. Still.

Approaching Self Love with a Soft Heart - Guest post for Luke Adler Healing

I feel incredibly honored to have been asked by Luke to guest blog for this site. So much so that it actually paralyzed me. I wanted my post to be perfect and live up to the standards already set forth in his and other guest posts, so I ended up using that as a reason to procrastinate.

Then I remembered that this topic is about the Love Culture Revolution and self love, and thought, anything I write will be just exactly what needs to be said and read. And then, as part of my self love, I had to reiterate it to myself a couple of times before I believed it. :)

I want to express how important it is to proceed through life with a soft heart. And by that, I mean to be kind to oneself so that the kindness is easily passed on to others. Almost without conscious thought.

There are so many unhappy things happening in the world and so many people relate to others in harsh, unloving ways, often to get their point across. What they may not realize is that their strategy may actually be having the reverse affect on the person/people on the receiving end of the message. They are not treading softly through life.

Please don’t misunderstand. I am not suggesting that we all walk around like pushovers and whisper our thoughts, beliefs, feelings. In fact, I’m suggesting the opposite. I’m suggesting that we proceed and proclaim/sing/speak our thoughts, beliefs and feelings. I’m suggesting that we proceed by checking and rechecking our value systems and standing up for our beliefs.

I’m suggesting we do this through love.

Do you realize that when love is behind a message, it’s almost entirely impossible for it to have a sharp edge and impact? Think about a mother who loses her child at the mall for a minute or two. When she finds her child, she may yell and cry and scold the child. But most often, those actions come from a place of deep love and fear of loss, not anger or control. Children aren’t often scarred emotionally from that experience because they can sense on a cellular level that their mom was simply acting out of love. It’s subtle, but obvious to our sub-conscious.

That said, if you can honestly share your opinion with others while coming from a place of love, you’re message will be received. This doesn’t guarantee that the recipient will agree with your opinion but they are disarmed and will more likely consider your stance.

Your acceptance of their opinion, same or different than yours, would come from a place of love. It is possible to accept and love someone with different political, spiritual and other values we hold dear, when you approach it with a soft heart.

The ultimate goal is to enrich our love of self in order to increase our enjoyment of our life. So, what are other ways we can do this, besides approaching others with a soft heart?

One thing I have noticed about many people is that when they criticize another, they are often focusing on a trait that they don’t particularly accept about themselves. It’s rather interesting to see this play out. The man who calls another manipulative or controlling often displays those traits himself. The woman who focuses on another woman’s insecurities and judges her for it, often suffers from insecurity herself.

So, let’s reframe it.

As part of the Love Culture Revolution and our quest for self-love, let’s start complimenting others on their “beauties”. Beauties being admirable character traits, talents, physical beauty, inner beauty....you name it.

For some people it’s awfully hard to give someone else a compliment, for fear that it diminishes their own favorable traits. That may stem from a place of insecurity. For example, a woman may have self talk that says “If I point out my girlfriend’s talent, the people around me may focus on her and not me”, so she refrains from giving out a very deserving compliment. Interestingly enough, if she were to check in with herself, I would guess that her holding back would actually not feel congruent. We inherently feel the need to empower others but our own limitations often get in the way.

The gift is this: By empowering others, by complimenting them, appreciating them, acknowledging them, we are empowering, complimenting, appreciating and acknowledging ourselves. And once we begin to believe in the beauty of ourselves, we will continue to want to pass that love on to others. It will become natural. And as the love is given out and received, it grows and grows and grows.

Don’t worry about giving away all of your love. Love expands and the more that you give the more that comes back to you.

It really starts at “home” and home is where your heart is. Start there and work your way outwards.

Parties for your Problems

Before you leave me an angry comment about this topic, please understand that I have attended support groups. I was addicted to support groups and self-help seminars for years. I don't state my opinions about things unless I feel I have the experience to back up my opinions. I am also not bringing this topic up to offend anyone.

I'm just hoping that people will look at things from a different angle.

I used to have a tendency to attract alcoholics into my life. Some of these alcoholics play(ed) a large and important role in my life, so I turned to Al-Anon to help me sort out how to deal with the situations that arose by having these people in my life. Admittedly, I go back once in awhile if I suffer a crisis with an alcoholic loved-one. However, I usually only go once. I don't make a habit of it.

Here's why: although I often learn something new or am reminded that I am not to blame for my loved-ones' condition, I usually have to sit through the same sad stories, complaining, and others feeling very sorry for themselves before I can get to the substance of why I am there. By that time I'm utterly exhausted and end up leaving very sad and often worse than when I came.

I've started to realize that support groups are like "parties for your problems". Almost every human condition has a support group. There are support groups for survivors of cancer, there are support groups for parents with troubled kids, there are support groups for battered women, for addictions etc. I do think that some of these groups are actually not bad - certainly where people are sharing and problem solving. Unfortunately, I've never been to one of those meetings.
If more time was spent on the solution, rather than the problem, I would endorse support groups 100%. That doesn't seem to be the norm, though.

My experience with support groups is that everyone takes a turn telling their story (it rarely changes from week to week, because the story teller hasn't done anything to change the story), and there are tissues and tears, some laughter, and usually one person who dominates the entire evening with their problems without regard to the time limits in place or the fact that others are there for support too.

As I said, I have rarely come away with a solution for my issue, not to mention I've often felt more alone when I've left support groups. That, in it's definition, would be the opposite of feeling supported.

My other problem with support groups is that I am a firm believer in getting more of what you think about. So, by commiserating, complaining, talking more about it, people are actually giving these issues more power. If you've survived cancer, why go to a support group to support cancer? A woman that I have a lot of respect for, and who has had breast cancer resulting in a double mastectomy told a story about her first (and last) time at a breast cancer support group. Essentially, she had the same feelings as I do; why are these people sitting around talking about breast cancer? Why are you letting having had breast cancer define who you are? And lastly she asked out loud "why aren't there any groups for survivors of the swine flu?". She was politely asked not to come to any more meetings. I'm pretty sure that not going to those "support" groups have been more beneficial for her health and well-being than attending them.

The point is this: whatever you are going to get support for happened or is happening to you, Talking about it and giving it more power and momentum by simply focusing on it may not help....it may actually hurt.

I commend anyone who makes a step to look for help, support, guidance. I just ask that you carefully consider what you are getting out of going to these parties for your problems.

I used to go to support groups and self-help seminars for several reasons. One of which is that I used to get something out of commiserating with others. I got to complain and feel sorry for myself. Seeing someone feel compassion for me felt worthy. Sometimes it reinforced that my problems were far less than other people.

But I rarely left feeling better.

I really don't want to be surrounded by sadness, and people who feel sorry for themselves. I want to be around people who are walking, not talking.

Yes, we have to acknowledge our problems before we can do something about it. But do something about it. Stop talking about it. Stop giving your problems a safe haven in your life to thrive. I feel like support groups offer a form of procrastination and are often addicting in themselves. What would you do every Tuesday night at 8 pm if you stopped letting this problem define who you are? I can see how that prospect might frighten some people. It could be easier just to do the same thing and know where you fit in, even if it's not healthy.

Maybe we could change the name of support groups to "alliances", and change the focus to supporting a solution, instead of supporting the problem or wallowing in past experience. Looking forward is the only way you can move forward.

You can let your bad experiences change and affect you but don't ever let them DEFINE you.