Heart on My Sleeve

My friend's Mother died 2 nights ago. I never knew her, but I know my friend. And I love him. He knows this, and that is why I actually feel more connected to him in this silence he has shrouded himself in. He told me of the news via email and said that he would not be ready to talk for some time. Because I love him, and he me, I feel safe in the fact that by me respecting his wishes of solitude, I am actually performing a more loving act than by calling him and forcing my condolences on him.

It's difficult to leave people alone when you love them. It's a challenge to stand by and just witness what is going on for them, without trying to step in and fix the situation. It's difficult to come to terms with the fact that this cannot be fixed.

Of course, I am feeling incredibly sad for my friend. And I feel helpless. This has brought great discomfort for me. I've tried to sleep and waves of sadness flow over and through me. I try to sit/sleep in the discomfort, but my soul calls me to move. And write. So here I am. Moving it. Writing.....

I called both of my parents last night, in tears. I felt that I had to tell them that I love them and wouldn't know what I'd do without them in my life. I realized that they could be taken from me without notice, without consent, without preparation, at any time. The same is true for me. Life is just that...life. It happens. You're born, and if you are lucky you learn, love, laugh, until you leave.

I know that I love my parents. There is no doubt in my mind, heart or soul. It may be naive of me to believe that I have the most ideal parents ( for me ) in the world. I rarely get upset with them, and if we have a disagreement, we quickly discuss and repair any hurt feelings. Our bond is strong.

What I didn't know is that they know that I love them. I mean, really know. Deep in their souls. And if they left their bodies tomorrow, they would have no doubt of my love for them. They both told me so. And I have to trust that they truly know that the love I possess for them is undying. It could never and will never diminish.

I'm pretty confident that they really know that I love them deeply, because they taught me how to love. I know no other way how to love, and it is obvious that they know no other way. If you are loved by my parents, you know it. They truly love many, and are both truly loved by many.

I realized that I am a very loving person. Even when I am not feeling very lovable, or especially forthcoming with my love.

I realized that I am able to portray how much I care for my family and friends in a subtle way. I am also able to express my love in big, bold ways.

I realized that the people I love know it.

There is nothing else I need to do.

I can sleep.....

30 Days of Gratitude - Days 17-20

Seeing that's it's Father's Day, I think it was only appropriate that the idea for my gratefulness post came to me this morning on my way to my brother's for breakfast with my family.

This weekend, I am grateful for my MAngels.

I am not at all religious, but I do believe that humans have the ability to help each other out without being physically present with the person they are assisting.

Because this is a multi-day post, I will be grateful for the different types of MAngels in my life ;

My friendly, neighborhood MAngelmen;

If you have been in my life lately, you'll know if you fall into this category. You are a dear male friend who has made his presence known this week. Be it through text message, email, facebook message, a phone call, a series of comical emails, or time spent together. You are slowly restoring my faith in the male spirit to just be a listener, a confidante, a friend. You recognize that you don't need to "fix" it or me, you just need to be with me in it.

And sometimes, you don't even know you're helping me.

If you have done any of the above lately, I thank you with the biggest of hearts.

Daddy Mangels;

I have many male friends who are separated or divorced. Every single one of them have taken the enthusiastic initiave to be an excellent parent to their children. In some cases, they are the sole/majority custodian of their children. I am so, so happy that I can call these parents/role models/instillers of confidence and love, my friends. Being a child of divorced parents, and having such a Daddy MAngel as these friends are, I know how important it is to have the male influence in a child's life. It is instrumental to the self-esteem and confidence of a child.

I appreciate every one of my single dad friends, who are giving dads, worldwide, a wonderful name.

My Dad

My dad is an angel. He is the measuring stick, not only for men in my life, but for everyone that I welcome into my life. Together, with my mom, he has created a safe, loving environment to be myself. He has guided me, advised me, accepted me and loved me unconditionally through my entire life.

Not many people know this about my dad. He does spiritual healing. It's a gift he's had for decades and it is something that he is so skilled at, and he executes it with the kindest and most sincere of approaches. Although it is not his occupation, I believe it is his calling.

I often get the feeling that my dad doesn't feel he has been the best father in the world. I'm glad I have the rest of my life to prove it to him.

Gratitude....

30 Days of Gratitude - Day 11

Today I am grateful for a gift my mom gave me when I was small :

OPTIMISM.

I think there is a clear difference between optimism and naivety/ignorance/denial.

Part of naivety is to believe that a situation doesn't have an impact.
Part of ignorance about your situation is to be unaware that there is a solution.
Part of denial is to ignore the problem and/or the solution.

I believe that to be optimistic does not make you an idiot to know in your heart that everything will work out for the best. To be optimistic is to choose the positive side of a situation. To be optimistic is to choose happiness in your life, regardless of your present circumstances.

My mom and I "argue" about who came up with our shared mantra "Every problem has a solution". She thinks that I came up with it; I believe she instilled it in me and I just "shared" it back in my adult life.

When you seriously look at a situation, no matter how dire it appears, there is always a solution. All Ways. You just have to be prepared to LOOK at the situation. And you know what? Not every solution is favorable, or feels good. But solutions exist. They allow you to make a decision and move on. That in itself is a positive.

I know in my heart of hearts, that no matter what is thrown is my way, OR what I attract ( which really is the key to learning what I'm supposed to learn in that moment);

There IS a SOLUTION.
I CAN HANDLE IT.
And I WILL BE OKAY.
In fact, I WILL BE BETTER THAN OKAY.

This is the gift my mom gave me in the womb. It's a FACT.

You can not convince me otherwise.

Thank you, Mom


Gratitude....