Heart on My Sleeve

My friend's Mother died 2 nights ago. I never knew her, but I know my friend. And I love him. He knows this, and that is why I actually feel more connected to him in this silence he has shrouded himself in. He told me of the news via email and said that he would not be ready to talk for some time. Because I love him, and he me, I feel safe in the fact that by me respecting his wishes of solitude, I am actually performing a more loving act than by calling him and forcing my condolences on him.

It's difficult to leave people alone when you love them. It's a challenge to stand by and just witness what is going on for them, without trying to step in and fix the situation. It's difficult to come to terms with the fact that this cannot be fixed.

Of course, I am feeling incredibly sad for my friend. And I feel helpless. This has brought great discomfort for me. I've tried to sleep and waves of sadness flow over and through me. I try to sit/sleep in the discomfort, but my soul calls me to move. And write. So here I am. Moving it. Writing.....

I called both of my parents last night, in tears. I felt that I had to tell them that I love them and wouldn't know what I'd do without them in my life. I realized that they could be taken from me without notice, without consent, without preparation, at any time. The same is true for me. Life is just that...life. It happens. You're born, and if you are lucky you learn, love, laugh, until you leave.

I know that I love my parents. There is no doubt in my mind, heart or soul. It may be naive of me to believe that I have the most ideal parents ( for me ) in the world. I rarely get upset with them, and if we have a disagreement, we quickly discuss and repair any hurt feelings. Our bond is strong.

What I didn't know is that they know that I love them. I mean, really know. Deep in their souls. And if they left their bodies tomorrow, they would have no doubt of my love for them. They both told me so. And I have to trust that they truly know that the love I possess for them is undying. It could never and will never diminish.

I'm pretty confident that they really know that I love them deeply, because they taught me how to love. I know no other way how to love, and it is obvious that they know no other way. If you are loved by my parents, you know it. They truly love many, and are both truly loved by many.

I realized that I am a very loving person. Even when I am not feeling very lovable, or especially forthcoming with my love.

I realized that I am able to portray how much I care for my family and friends in a subtle way. I am also able to express my love in big, bold ways.

I realized that the people I love know it.

There is nothing else I need to do.

I can sleep.....